decisions

Where you lead me I will follow, where you lead me I will go.  Where you lead me I will follow, Jesus take me down that road.

We sang this song at church on Sunday and I couldn't have needed to hear it more.  I have never been a good decision maker.  Every time Duane and I go out to eat he asks me to pick and I repetitively refuse.  I'm indicisive and I hate that about myself.  I wish making decisions came easily to me.  Let's be honest though, if I can't decide between Panda Express and Panera, major life decisions are out of the question.  I've come to realize over the years that the reason I struggle to make decisions is because I worry so much about the people around me and how the decisions I make affect them.  I'm not saying this so that everyone can say "Oh what a selfless person she is" because I am nowhere NEAR selfless.  Usually quite the opposite, actually.  However when it comes to making decisions I am always so focused on how it will affect others. This goes for simple decisions along with big decisions.  There comes a time though, when I have to remember that I have to do what is best for me.  That in turn will be the best decision for my loved ones as well.

I haven't kept it secret that this year has been nothing short of difficult.  Going back to work after 4 months off with my baby presented unforeseen challenges.  The hours away from my baby seemed longer than I ever imagined.  I wholeheartedly decided to go back to work last August after much debate.  I decided that I didn't want to be done teaching.  I wasn't ready to give up on something that I only did for a year and a half.  I wasn't ready to just throw my hard earned degree down the drain.  I knew it would be hard, but I dove head first into my new class.  It was what I felt God was calling me to do.  I have known for a long time that my classroom and school are my mission field.  That is why I love working in the school I work in.  Yes, the kids are rough and there are days where I want to quit, but it is so rewarding.  So, so rewarding.  Not only am I teaching my students math and language, I am teaching them life lessons.  Lessons that they might not learn at home.  I am showing them the love the Christ shows me.  I pray for them at night and on my way to school.  I am not exaggerating when I say that many of them feel like my own children.  However, being a "mom" to 26 sixth graders has been exhausting both physically and mentally.  The one way 45 minute drive is exhausting.  There are nights I come home with little energy for my own son.  And this is where I struggle.  This is where my decision comes in.  Can I do this any longer?  Can I continue to teach next year?

This afternoon I sat in my principal's office.  As it goes in any job setting, rumors spread and I had shared my thoughts of not teaching next year with a few colleagues whom in turn shared those thoughts with my principal.  Just as he had heard through the grapevine that I may not be coming back I heard through the grapevine that my principal was on to me.  Luckily, I have an awesome principal that is extremely supportive.  He talked through things with me as I sat in tears, feeling overwhelmed with the decision before me.  He told me he supported me in either decision I made.  He said he didn't want to persuade me either way, but to remember that my baby is only young once.  I know that he respects me as a teacher, but I also know he respects me as a mother.  And that is not found in all bosses.  He was so reassuring and I desperately needed to hear the wisdom he had for me.  At the end of our conversation he told me to take as much time as I needed to decide.  He advised me to pray about my decision and I muttered something like "I've been praying a million times a day and I wish God would just give me a definite sign!"  He reminded me that neither decision is the "wrong" decision and to just follow what my heart tells me to do.  If only I could listen to my heart and drowned out the sound of my brain.

My heart is telling me that I would be a better mom and wife if I left my teaching job.  My heart tells me that I would feel much more at peace if I was able to spend my days with Kason.  On the other hand, my heart aches in thinking about not being able to teach anymore.  Not being able to feel like I am working in my mission field anymore.  Giving up (for now) on a dream I have had since I was in kindergarten.  Apparently my heart is torn.

When thinking about this decision I know I need to put myself and my family first.  I always look at other working moms that seem to be able to balance it all and think.."man, if they can do it, so can I."   I start to feel guilty and think that maybe I am just being dramatic and over emotional.  But that's not reality.  The reality is that I feel as though I am getting lost in a sea of busyness and exhaustion.  I feel like I am not giving my 100% to Kason and Duane.  I feel like it's not going to get easier in a few years when I have another baby to think about.  I need to do what is right for me.  I am my own person, and I can't base my decisions on what other people are capable of.

I don't really know where I am going with all of this.  I have not decided if I am going to resign from my job.  There are a lot of things that go into this decision, finances being the big one.  After talking to my principal, I am confident that if I want to go back to teaching in the future, I will be able to so that fear has subsided a bit.

  All I know is that I am so thankful that I serve a God that knows the big picture when I can't even see into next month.  Thankful that through my many, many prayers God is revealing himself to me in ways I have never seen before.

So for now, I will just pray, because when it comes to making these decisions...that is all I know how to do.

This is the verse that I repeat over and over again when making decisions like this one...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11    

The right decision?

I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner's SUYL Fridays.  Todays topic is working moms.  This ones right up my alley! :)

It's no secret that I question daily whether deciding to go back to work after Kason was the right decision.  Some days I still cry when I leave my baby sound asleep in his crib and know that I won't see him for 8 hours.  It's hard.  And it's not getting easier.  I'm not sure it ever will so I will continue to teach this year and then rethink my decision next year.  There are a few things that have made teaching hard this year:

1. Guilt - The guilt I feel from working full time is unbelievable.  I look at moms that stay home and am so envious of them.  I'm jealous of the extra time they get to spend with their children.  However, the real guilt comes when I think about doing things without Kason outside of school.  Date nights are hard because I feel so guilty leaving Kason after being away from him all day.  We would also like to join a small group at church but that would be another 2 hours I'd be away from Kason every week.  I don't know if this guilt is normal, but it's so hard to handle.  I know that date nights and small groups are SO important for my marriage but can't seem to make them a priority when I am constantly away from my baby.

2. Exhaustion - Whew!  I thought I was tired when I was 8 months pregnant and teaching last year!  Wrong!  That exhaustion holds nothing to the exhaustion that I've felt lately.  Getting up at 5 am and leaving the house at 6 is hard work.  Add in a 45 minute drive, teaching/parenting 25 6th graders for 8 hours, and a 45 minute drive home and I'm ready for bed the second I walk in the door.  I've lost my patience and my energy for the day.  I love my son and am always so excited to get home to see him but feel like I never have enough energy to give him the mom he needs.  I teach at an inner city school.  I'm not going to say that my students' parents don't care, they are just really busy.  Therefore I spend a large chunk of my day parenting 25 pre-teens and therefore I have no energy to parent my own child when I get home. This is probably the hardest thing about teaching and being a mom.  Yeah, the schedule is awesome, but the amount of energy I use up everyday is crazy.

I am by no means trying to throw a pity party for myself.  There are SO many people that are desperate to find a job.  I have a great job and am lucky to teach where I do.  I love and care for my students very much and do enjoy my time with them (most days).  I guess I am just having a hard time finding a balance.  I feel like If I give more of myself at school, I'm a bad mom.  If I give more of myself at home, I'm a bad teacher.

 The silver-lining in all of this is that I have an amazing husband that is so helpful and sensitive to the fact that I'm having a hard time being a working mom.  Without him, I would be a real mess!  I'm hoping that these feelings are normal and will get better with time.  In the meantime, I will just keep praying for God's direction for what I should do next year.

Thanks for listening.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and advice! :)