"terrible twos"

Oh parenting a toddler.  It is so much different than parenting a newborn.  Those first few months of having a new baby were hard, but they have nothing on the past few months.

Let me start off with a disclaimer.  I'm not sure why I always feel like I need to preface my parenting posts, but I guess I'm worried about judgement.  Even though, quite frankly I don't care what others think of my parenting and there will always be those "holier than thou" moms that will just shake their head and say "I would never do/think that."  And those people are hidden from my newsfeed and blocked out of my mind, so I think we're good, but I still feel like I need a disclaimer. :)

  I never want anyone to think that I don't love being a momma.  I love Kason with all of my heart and absolutely love being his momma.  There is no other job I'd rather be doing than staying home with him and spending my days pouring my energy into him.  There are so many people that long to be parents and I never want to appear to be complaining about my role.

Moving on... :) 

The age Kason at is so much fun.  I love that he repeats everything he hears and learns so many new things everyday.  I love that he is learning his shapes and colors.  I love that he is starting to count, even if he just counts "two, four, six" right now. :)  His little mind is like a sponge, and I can't put enough into him.  Love my little learner!  However, I would be lying if I said that this age is all fun and games. Because It's not.  

And I am struggling.

Along with all of the learning he is doing, he is also learning something else.  Independence.  He wants to do what he wants when he wants, and that's the end of it.  If I don't take his socks off the second we walk in the door, meltdown.  If he doesn't get to have a snack 5 minutes before dinner, meltdown.  If I look at him when he rather I didn't, meltdown.  Needless to say, we have lots of meltdowns throughout our day.  

As much as I would love to just cater to his every need and tell him yes all the time, it's just not realistic.  That's not good parenting in my book.  He needs to hear the word "no" and understand that sometimes, mommy and daddy just know best and they always have his best interest at heart.  The hard part is explaining that to a two year old.  It's hard to reason with a two year old.  It's kind of like reasoning with Kaia.  So, when he wants something that is just not happening, it starts.  The whining.

Oh. My. Goodness. THE WHINING.  

It is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  Forget the tantrums, they aren't fun but I can handle those.  The whining every time something doesn't go his way?  Can't handle it.  I get so frustrated so many times throughout the day.  I have to take a step back and remind myself that he is learning as he is whining.  I need to use those moments as teachable moments.  I don't know how many times a day I say "Kason, please don't whine and use your words to tell momma what is bothering you."  I usually start off saying this rather calmly and lovingly in the morning, but by the time evening rolls around it sounds more like "STOP WHINING!"  I need to get better about that.

I'm slowly learning what it means to parent through the "terrible twos".  Here are a few things I've learned through all of the whining:

 -- Sometimes the whining is only because he doesn't know how to express his feelings.  When I get frustrated, I can express it with words and other emotions.  When Kason gets frustrated, he doesn't know what else to do but whine.  Does this make it ok?  Absolutely not.  There are enough whiny adults in the world, my child doesn't need to grow up to be one.  However, it makes it a little more bearable when I want to pull my hair out.

-- Teaching patience through whining is SO important.  I've noticed a quality in Kason that was given to him by yours truly.   If he's putting legos together and they don't fit, he freaks out and starts whining. If he is working a puzzle and can't get the piece to fit, he starts to whine.  Guess who else gets upset when she can't get something the first time?  This girl.  So, I've learned to talk to Kason about this when he struggles to get something the first time.  I usually stop him and tell him something like "Buddy, it's ok if your can't get it right away, you can keep trying instead of whining.  And if you can't get it please ask for help instead of whining."  Does this always work?  HA!   Absolutely not.  A lot of the time he throws the toy in frustration.  But there's always that one time that it sinks in.  He keeps trying and eventually gets it and yells "GOT IT!  HIGH FIVE!" and wants my praise.  And boy, do I give it to him! :)

-- Slow down and explain things to Kason.  Like I said, it's hard to reason with a two year old, but Kason surprises me with how much he understands.  At times, I have to tell him "no" and don't give an explanation because I'm in a hurry.  If I just slow down and explain to him why I'm saying "no", a lot of times it eliminates some of the whining.  At the same time, I try to say "yes" a lot too.  It's kind of like choosing your battles. :)  If I want him to eat a banana for a snack and he wants Goldfish instead, that's ok.  I can compromise.  I can't tell him "yes" all the time, because that's not the way the world works.  But I can do my best to say "yes" even when it's not the most convenient.  

-- Most important lesson, is that Kason needs to know I love him in spite of his whining.  I try really hard to keep my cool, because I want Kason to know that I love him no matter what.  I don't care if he whines the entire day, I love him just as much.  Such a good way to teach God's love to my boy.  I'm sure Jesus hears my "whining" daily, and he still loves me just as much in spite of all of my complaining.  Kason needs to know that I feel the same about him.

I love learning how to better parent Kason.  It's the hardest job I've ever done, but I'm thankful that I get to learn as I go, and that ultimately I am becoming a better momma for Kason and his baby sister. :)

Thanks for letting me get all of my thoughts out.  

And PS - All of you "just wait..." people, I know the threes are worse.  No need to tell me.  I deal with this parenting thing a day at a time. :)

confessions of a new mom {tantrums}

I want to start off this post by giving a little disclaimer.  I always hesitate to blog about anything parenting related.  I am a new mom, and with that comes lots of joys.  There are also lots of struggles I face and I often wonder if I am the only one facing these battles.  Luckily, I have 3 great friends that have boys the same age, so I know I'm not alone.  However, I still get this churning in my stomach when I think about publicly displaying my struggles.  I'm worried people will judge me and think less of me.  I'm worried that people will comment or say things that I honestly don't care to hear.  I'm worried that there will be that one mom that says.."I can't believe your child is doing that, my child would never do anything like that."  Trust me, they are out there.  As much as I hesitate to put my thoughts out there, I occasionally decide to do it.  I am an avid blog reader.  I love reading blogs of other moms that often struggle with the same things I do.  I don't want to read blogs of moms who think they have it all figured out.  That's not the kind of mom I am and I just can't relate.  I want to hear the true struggles and triumphs of motherhood.  

Kason has been challenging lately.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful that  I get to spend my days with him.  I cannot imagine starting school again next week and working full time again.  As sad as I get about not getting to have my own classroom this year, I still don't regret my decision even on the worst day.  That being said, I am fairly certain we have entered the terrible twos early.  Call me naive (or dumb) but I had no idea the tantrums started this early.  Holy cow!  I'm talking, hitting-mommy-because-I'm-so-mad-tantrums.  It seems that every time he doesn't get his way he loses it.  The hardest part about this is figuring out how to help him understand what is appropriate behavior and what isn't.  This is where I am at a loss.

I think that this age is hard because when Kason does something I know is wrong (i.e. throws food, hits me or someone else, throws a toy at another child's head, etc.) it's hard to figure out how to let him know that his actions aren't right for the situation.  Developmentally, he is too young to understand time-out.  If he throws food on the floor I've tried tapping his hand and saying "no" but he them just taps (slaps) me back.  It used to be that I could firmly tell him "no" and remove him from the situation.  He would then move on to something else and forget all about his previous activity.  Nowadays if I remove him, it seems he often goes right back and does the same thing I just asked him not to do.  I don't want him to think that inappropriate behavior is ok, but at the same time, I'm having a hard time figuring out how to communicate that to him.  I know he knows what "no" means, he is just being a little defiant and ignoring me.  I don't know where he gets that. :)

I feel like I'm just rambling, but I hope you get the picture.  I just want to find a way to communicate to him that when he does something inappropriate, he needs to not do it again.  It seems that each day this struggle becomes greater and the amount of "no-nos" he does grows. I hope that each day he begins to understand why I am saying no and that it is only out of love. I'm hoping by asking for help, you can let me know what worked well for your little ones at this age.  I know that everything I'm doing is shaping and molding Kason, so I think that is why this stresses me out so much.  Do I just ignore tantrums?  Do I just tell him "no" over and over again when he is doing something wrong?  What do I do when he throws a fit and hits me?  Ugh, I'm a parenting disaster.  The only thing I know to do is pray.  I pray a lot for guidance.  A lot.  My doctor also assured me that this behavior is completely normal.  Yep, I'm "that mom" that asks the doctor every question under the sun. 

One last thing before I end - I wrote this post in hopes of advice, or in hopes of letting someone else that's going through it be assured they are not alone.  I did not write it to hear "Oh just wait until....".  I am well aware that these behaviors are minor compared to what the future holds.  This is the season of life I'm in right now and that last thing I want to hear is "Oh just wait....".  I know that Kason is going to give me a run for my money.  He has a spit fire personality and I absolutely love that about him.  It will make him grow to be a strong willed person who will be able to stand firmly for what he believes in.  There will be many more tantrums and struggles in the future, but I'm glad God chose me to be the one that to help him through them, to teach him, if you will.  God is teaching me so much through this little person and I am so thankful for that.

decisions

Where you lead me I will follow, where you lead me I will go.  Where you lead me I will follow, Jesus take me down that road.

We sang this song at church on Sunday and I couldn't have needed to hear it more.  I have never been a good decision maker.  Every time Duane and I go out to eat he asks me to pick and I repetitively refuse.  I'm indicisive and I hate that about myself.  I wish making decisions came easily to me.  Let's be honest though, if I can't decide between Panda Express and Panera, major life decisions are out of the question.  I've come to realize over the years that the reason I struggle to make decisions is because I worry so much about the people around me and how the decisions I make affect them.  I'm not saying this so that everyone can say "Oh what a selfless person she is" because I am nowhere NEAR selfless.  Usually quite the opposite, actually.  However when it comes to making decisions I am always so focused on how it will affect others. This goes for simple decisions along with big decisions.  There comes a time though, when I have to remember that I have to do what is best for me.  That in turn will be the best decision for my loved ones as well.

I haven't kept it secret that this year has been nothing short of difficult.  Going back to work after 4 months off with my baby presented unforeseen challenges.  The hours away from my baby seemed longer than I ever imagined.  I wholeheartedly decided to go back to work last August after much debate.  I decided that I didn't want to be done teaching.  I wasn't ready to give up on something that I only did for a year and a half.  I wasn't ready to just throw my hard earned degree down the drain.  I knew it would be hard, but I dove head first into my new class.  It was what I felt God was calling me to do.  I have known for a long time that my classroom and school are my mission field.  That is why I love working in the school I work in.  Yes, the kids are rough and there are days where I want to quit, but it is so rewarding.  So, so rewarding.  Not only am I teaching my students math and language, I am teaching them life lessons.  Lessons that they might not learn at home.  I am showing them the love the Christ shows me.  I pray for them at night and on my way to school.  I am not exaggerating when I say that many of them feel like my own children.  However, being a "mom" to 26 sixth graders has been exhausting both physically and mentally.  The one way 45 minute drive is exhausting.  There are nights I come home with little energy for my own son.  And this is where I struggle.  This is where my decision comes in.  Can I do this any longer?  Can I continue to teach next year?

This afternoon I sat in my principal's office.  As it goes in any job setting, rumors spread and I had shared my thoughts of not teaching next year with a few colleagues whom in turn shared those thoughts with my principal.  Just as he had heard through the grapevine that I may not be coming back I heard through the grapevine that my principal was on to me.  Luckily, I have an awesome principal that is extremely supportive.  He talked through things with me as I sat in tears, feeling overwhelmed with the decision before me.  He told me he supported me in either decision I made.  He said he didn't want to persuade me either way, but to remember that my baby is only young once.  I know that he respects me as a teacher, but I also know he respects me as a mother.  And that is not found in all bosses.  He was so reassuring and I desperately needed to hear the wisdom he had for me.  At the end of our conversation he told me to take as much time as I needed to decide.  He advised me to pray about my decision and I muttered something like "I've been praying a million times a day and I wish God would just give me a definite sign!"  He reminded me that neither decision is the "wrong" decision and to just follow what my heart tells me to do.  If only I could listen to my heart and drowned out the sound of my brain.

My heart is telling me that I would be a better mom and wife if I left my teaching job.  My heart tells me that I would feel much more at peace if I was able to spend my days with Kason.  On the other hand, my heart aches in thinking about not being able to teach anymore.  Not being able to feel like I am working in my mission field anymore.  Giving up (for now) on a dream I have had since I was in kindergarten.  Apparently my heart is torn.

When thinking about this decision I know I need to put myself and my family first.  I always look at other working moms that seem to be able to balance it all and think.."man, if they can do it, so can I."   I start to feel guilty and think that maybe I am just being dramatic and over emotional.  But that's not reality.  The reality is that I feel as though I am getting lost in a sea of busyness and exhaustion.  I feel like I am not giving my 100% to Kason and Duane.  I feel like it's not going to get easier in a few years when I have another baby to think about.  I need to do what is right for me.  I am my own person, and I can't base my decisions on what other people are capable of.

I don't really know where I am going with all of this.  I have not decided if I am going to resign from my job.  There are a lot of things that go into this decision, finances being the big one.  After talking to my principal, I am confident that if I want to go back to teaching in the future, I will be able to so that fear has subsided a bit.

  All I know is that I am so thankful that I serve a God that knows the big picture when I can't even see into next month.  Thankful that through my many, many prayers God is revealing himself to me in ways I have never seen before.

So for now, I will just pray, because when it comes to making these decisions...that is all I know how to do.

This is the verse that I repeat over and over again when making decisions like this one...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11    

His own routine

**I've never participated in this before..but thought I would give it a try.  I read Kelly Korner all the time and decided to write a post that goes along with her Show us Your Life theme.  This weeks theme is best parenting advice.  I'm learning so much everyday and love to share any knowledge or experience I gain.  Please know that I am no expert (not even CLOSE), this is just what I've learned that might help someone out there!  I had no idea I'd learn so much in just 4 months! :)**

Routines..where do I start?!

Since Kason was born I have struggled with the idea of forcing a routine onto him.  I did want him to be in somewhat of a routine when it comes to eating and napping, but wasn't exactly sure at what age to start this.  I also didn't want to stress out about a schedule because I thought that would be hard on Duane and I along with Kason.  I read Babywise because I have a couple of friends that followed it's guidelines and they have the happiest, most well adjusted babies/kids I've ever met.  I wanted what they had, so I read the book.  Although I did like and agree with a lot of what Babywise suggested, I can also see why it might not work for some families.  It's all a matter of opinions.  I did know one thing, when Kason was old enough I wanted to put him on our (mine and Duane's) schedule instead of us rearranging out whole schedule for him.  I thought this would start bad habits and I didn't want that!

When we brought Kason home from the hospital I encouraged him to be on the eat, wake, sleep schedule because I thought this would help him sleep thru the night sooner rather than later.  I was not all about those 1, 3, and 6 am feedings, so I hoped that this would help.  At about 3 weeks Kason started to really follow this schedule.  Around this time he started only waking up once during the night at about 2 am.  At 8 weeks, sure enough, he slept that glorious 8 hours thru the night.  I was thrilled! I'm not sure if it was the schedule I had tried to put him on, or if I just got lucky..but I was thankful for a full nights sleep.  

He has done pretty well at sleeping thru the night.  He has had a couple of rough nights since 8 weeks, but for the most part he sleeps between 8-9 hours every night.  We have a nightly routine we started following around the time he started sleeping thru the night.  At around 10 we would give him a bath (shampoo every other night).  I would then rub lotion on him, put him in his pjs, and read to him (if he wasn't starving by this point).  After I had set the mood for bedtime, I would nurse him and put him to bed.  We've never (knock on wood) dealt with a lot of crying at bedtime.  Nap times are a different story..but we'll get there!  By 10:45 we were all in bed and fast asleep.  It was great!

Although this routine was working well for us, I realized I would be starting back to school soon.  I knew I'd have to wake up by 5 am so going to bed at 10:45 pm was no longer an option.  We also started noticing about 3 weeks ago that Kason would just melt down around 9 pm.  He would scream and cry because he was so tired from the day.  I would usually nurse him at 9 and then we'd still bathe him at 10.  From 9:30 - 10 he would just scream.  I'd feed him again at 10:30 and he would be out like a light!  (I know that's only 1.5 hours between feedings, but that's the only way he'll sleep thru the night.  He needs those two feedings close together to make it thru the night.  I've tried spacing them out..not a good idea!)  With school starting, I decided that we needed to start the bedtime routine about an hour earlier.  Not only would it help me, I could tell it's what Kason needed.  So we tried it.  I fed Kason at 8 instead of 9, gave him a bath and went thru the normal nighttime routine, and by 9:45 we were all asleep!  Kason slept thru the night and I actually had to wake him up at 6 to feed him.

Although we have the nighttime routine pretty much figured out, we're still working on a napping schedule.  Kason still catnaps throughout the day.  He'll sleep 20 min. here and 45 min. there..but never a  solid 2 hours like I would like.  I haven't really tried to force a set nap time on him because I think he will kind of fall into a routine on his own.  The last few mornings he has been taking a consistent morning nap around 9.  He'll sleep for about an hour and then he'll wake up ready to eat.  I'm thinking this will be his morning nap, which will be great.  Of course all of this happened right before I went back to school.  Oh well..it'll make it easier for my mom and sister I supposed! :)

I think the biggest thing I've learned about putting Kason on a schedule is to fit him into our schedule.  If we need to go to bed earlier, we'll make it so that Kason goes to bed earlier as well.  Along with this I think it's important to watch for cues from Kason.  The crying at 9 pm made me realize that an earlier bedtime was a must.  When he starts rubbing his eyes and fussing at 9 am, I know that it's nap time, not meal time.  I'm no professional, but I do feel like I'm learning SO much about how to figure out a good schedule that works for Kason along with his mama and daddy.  I'm sure the schedule will continuously change, but for now, I'm embracing a happy, scheduled baby!

I'd love to know any routine advice you have!  Feel free to leave a comment of email me! :)

Dear Kason

Dear Kason,

Tomorrow is your mama's first full day back at work.  I can't believe my 4.5 months at home with you are coming to an end.  I have truly enjoyed every moment that we have spent together, even the hard ones. You make me smile like no one else can and I am so thankful God has blessed me with such a sweet, happy baby.

Tomorrow will be a hard day for your mama.  I know you are probably too small to know that I am even gone, but I will for sure know that I am away from you.  For the past 4.5 months I have only left you for a few hours.  The 9 months prior to that you were with me every second of every day.  This is why it is going to be so hard for me to leave you tomorrow.  I know that you will be in good hands with Aunt Jill (and then Grandma on Friday) but it is still hard for me to think about.  I'm the one that has gotten to know everything about you over the past few months.  I know what makes you laugh, what makes you sad, and what toys are your favorite.  I know what every one of your cries means.  I know what to do to make you smile that huge toothless smile.  As much as I know that other people will learn all of these things about you, it won't be the same.  It's going to be a hard day (and a hard year).

Although I will miss you tomorrow, I want you to know that I am going back to work to do what is best for our family.  I will be working hard to provide for the things that you need.  I love teaching and loving on kids that might not get it at home.  Teaching is something that I think God has called me to do.  I know He wants me to help kids that need me.  I hope that you grow up seeing my desire to help children and in turn you will grow to love helping people.  I promise to work hard at school but when the day is over, I will come home and focus all of my time and energy on you and daddy.  I will leave work at work, plain and simple. Being a mommy will always be my most favorite job, and I want you to always remember that.

I am so grateful that I have gotten to spend with last 4.5 months at home getting to know you.  You have know idea how much you have changed my life in this short amount of time.  I have learned so much about what it means to love someone unconditionally, no matter what.  You bring so much joy to my life.  I can't wait to continue to watch you grow and learn.  I am so thankful for a job that allows me so many breaks to spend with you.  I know I will cherish every one of those breaks.

I know you will do great tomorrow, and mama will be fine too.

I love you so much sweet boy,
Your Mama

A balancing act

Just a warning - I'm just back from a long walk in which I've had a lot of time to think about what I want to say in this blog post.  Therefore you are about to read words that are straight from my heart and you are about to see the inter-workings of my mind over the past 4 months.  It may be long, so just bare with me.

Moving on..

I was a cheerleader in high school.  I was the one that they threw up in the air and held me in obscure positions high off the ground for way too long.  Being a flyer meant you had to have good balance.  Let's just say, I did not.  I got better with practice but still, as a senior, I struggled.  Everything had to be perfectly in order for me to stay up in a pyramid for a mere 10 seconds.  I mean hands had to be placed on my foot/feet perfectly or all you know what would break loose.  The one time something was out of place, that was it, I came flailing to the ground and prayed that my bases would catch me and that I would not break another back spot's nose (which really happened...more than once...woops). 

Throughout my life I have noticed that this cheerleading story is kind of like an ever present representation of my ability to balance things, people, or tasks in my life.  If too many tasks are at hand I struggle to find a way to balance them.  If too many people are needing my attention or help I get overwhelmed at the thought of distributing my time evenly (which is kind of ironic considering I'm a teacher and this is a MAJOR part of my job).  I can multitask, but I find it hard to balance my attention when doing so.  Balancing and I just aren't friends.  Never have been.  When I was in elementary school my teachers would always check the box on my report card that said "uses time wisely".  And by check, it means I didn't do it..in case there's any confusion.  Ha!  I think my lack of time management was due to my constant need to socialize instead of focusing on school work.  I couldn't balance both things and therefore, I get the check and the ever dreaded parent lecture.  Side-note: I'm sure Kason is looking forward to those lectures. :)

So you might understand my great anxiety when I think about going back to teaching and balancing my career with being a mom and a wife and a daughter and a sister and a friend...the list goes on.  But my main fear is balancing being a mommy with being a teacher.  Why is this so hard to grasp?  Well because I'm new at both of these things.  I've only been a mom for 4 months and a teacher for 1.5 years.  Insert stress here.  So over the past few months I've been praying and thinking about what this balance would look like.

When I got pregnant one of the main reasons that I was so upset about the timing was the fact that I would most likely not be able to stay home with my baby.  This was a dream crusher at the time and I really struggled with it.  My mom stayed home until I was a sophomore in high school and I loved the experiences I had with her and my sisters.  Because of this I always wanted to stay home when I had kids.  I never really gave it a second thought, I just thought it would work out.  When I got pregnant (almost a year ago to date) I realized my dream might be flying out the window, and that was hard.  Financially, it would be hard for me to stay home since Kason was going to arrive a bit earlier than we had planned.  I kind of put the thought of what August 2011 would look like on the back burner and tried to enjoy my pregnancy.  I continued in this state of "not facing my feelings" up until about 2 months ago.

August was only a couple of months away and I had a decision to make.  Would I leave a job I love and stay home or would I continue to teach and somehow find a way to balance it all.  I prayed and prayed about this.  And when I say I prayed I mean you can page thru my prayer journal and I mention this decision in about every entry.  God slowly showed me what I was supposed to do, in the most subtle ways of course.  I decided I would continue teaching.  It would be hard, probably one of the hardest things I've done, but it's what I want to do.

After I made this decision I of course went into a mindset that I would be missing out on Kason's life.  What if I miss his first words?  What if I miss his first steps?  Next, there were the thoughts about my job. What if I'm not a good teacher because I'm worried about how Kason is at home?  What if I'm crabby towards my students because I'm so exhausted from working and being a mom.  I could go on and on.  There will always be the what ifs.  But I have decided is that I will stop thinking what if, and start learning how to balance being the best mom AND the best teacher I can be.  I honestly think this will teach me more discipline and organization.  It will teach me to use every ounce of my prep to prepare for the next school day, so that I can go home to my baby and leave thoughts of school at school.  It will teach me to truly cherish the hours in a day I have with Kason.  It will teach me to be more organized and to use my time wisely (this would make all my elementary school teachers proud:))  I will give both jobs my all.


I still struggle daily with the thought of going back to work.  The first day back will be rough and I'm sure I'll shed a few tears.  That being said, I am looking forward to going back to teaching.  I'm excited to meet my new class for next year and to meet the 25-30 students I have prayed for this summer.  I absolutely love teaching and would miss it greatly if I left.  I know there will be days when I wish I was with Kason, but that's okay.  I'm doing what's best for my family and that is what I keep saying over and over again in my head.  This is what I want to do right now and it's what works for us.  I'm at peace with this because it is a decision I made (with the help of my wonderful husband and of course, God).  I will always be a mommy first and a teacher second, that will never change.

I want to end this post by saying how grateful I am for my job.  I have such a supportive staff (including another new mom/teacher) that will be 100% supportive towards me.  I love the students I work with and work hard at being a positive adult influence in their lives.  I have family and friends who will (and already have been) be supportive and for that I am so thankful.  Teaching really is the best job for a mom.  The school I teach at is on a really great schedule where we go for 9 weeks and then have 2 weeks off.  This will give me lots of breaks with Kason as well as 2 months in the summer.  I've never been a teacher for the time off, but I do love this schedule! :)  Duane's mom was a teacher while he was growing up and he told me the other day that he has so many memories of spending time with his mom in the summer.  He doesn't remember her working while he was at his grandparents, he remembers the fun memories he had with her while she was home.  That is what I hope and pray Kason remembers.

Thanks for listening.  I would appreciate any prayers come July 28 (first teacher day).  


Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

The joys of breastfeeding

I went back and forth when deciding whether or not to blog about my breastfeeding experience.  It is something that I know I will want to remember years down the road, but it is also personal as I have gone through many challenges that have been hard.  I finally decided that I wanted to "put to paper" my breastfeeding experiences.  If you don't want to read, I don't blame you!  I'm doing this mostly for my memory but know that it might also help new moms that may be going through the same struggles.  I am not at all an expert, but I find it very encouraging when I hear that others are struggling with the same issues I am.

When I was pregnant I got asked multiple times if I would breastfeed.  I always said "yes", and never thought much about it.  As March got closer and closer I started to get more and more nervous about this foreign thing called breastfeeding.  I had no idea of the details involved.  I just thought, the milks there, I'll give it to the baby.  HA!  I was so naive!  

In February I dragged Duane to a breastfeeding class.  I remember the lactation consultant (a 60+ year old woman, weird) asking each of the women why they wanted to breastfeed.  I think I responded with the typical response, it's the healthiest thing for my baby and heck, it's free!  I also knew it would help me lose some of my baby weight which was a big plus.  I learned a lot in this class but nothing could really prepare me for what was to come.

I can't remember if I blogged about it in Kason's birth story, but I nursed Kason pretty much right after he exited the birth canal.  I had learned that this was the best thing to do.  I have to say it is amazing that this tiny person that I don't even know comes out of me and knows what he needs to do to get food.  SO crazy!  I was extremely nervous about this moment.  What if he didn't latch on?  What if my milk doesn't come in?  What if it hurts?  These were all questions that were flooding my mind.  Finally after all of those hours of pushing, it was time for that moment.  The moment I would place my sweet baby skin-to-skin (which by the way, I had no idea was so important until I had Kason) and attempt to feed him.

Kason had a lot of trouble latching on.  It was so frustrating because I wanted to desperately to provide food for my son, and I didn't feel like I was.  I think this is why so many people give up on breastfeeding.  The day after Kason was born I met with the lactation consultant (who was a-mazing!) and she patiently helped me.  I eventually have a use a shield so that Kason could latch on.  The LC said that way fine, as long as I weened him from it in a few weeks...ha!  Little did she know Kason would be 2.5 months before I got brave enough the ween him from the glorious shield.  Breastfeeding went pretty smoothly for a few weeks thanks to the shield, and much support from my sister and husband.  Don't get me worng, it was so difficult and demanding to be the only one that could feed Kason every 1.5 to 2 hours, but he was eating just fine.

Fast forward about 3 weeks.  This is when the crying started.  And by crying I mean screaming.  Every time Kason nursed, he would pull away screaming.  Every. Time.  I was so confused as to what had happened.  He was a different baby.  A much more irritable, fussy baby.  He would cry because he was hungry but would start eating and end up crying harder.  I was so discouraged and nearly gave up on breastfeeding all together.  Finally, after 2 weeks of lots of crying (from Kason and myself), I called the doctor.  The sweet nurse asked me to bring him in to see if it was a reflux issue.  We went to the doctor and Kason was diagnosed with a bad case acid reflux.  I love our pediatrician because he always makes me laugh.  He told me that it was acid reflux, which a lot of babies get, so I didn't need to worry.  I think his exact words were, "it's harmless but it will be pretty damn inconvenient for 6-9 months."  Fabulous I thought.  However, Kason was okay, and I could rest easy knowing that there wasn't anything seriously wrong.  He prescribed some Zantac which he assured me was not a cure, just helped with the symptoms associated with reflux.  Throughout this saga I also realized that cheese really upset Kason's belly.  Lovely!

After a couple of long, exhausting weeks the medicine finally started to help.  Gradually Kason stopped crying through feedings and I thought it was smooth sailing from here.  Wrong again!  About the time the crying stopped I got mastitis.  That's right, a breast infection that causes you to feel like you've been hit by a bus.  The LC warned me of this in the breastfeeding class I took and this really helped me know to go to the doctor right away.  I went to the doctor, got an antibiotic and was feeling much better within a week.  Around the time I got rid of the infection I decided to wean Kason from the shield.

Believe it or not, weening him from the shield was fairly easy.  It hurt REALLY bad because it was like starting all over, but it only took a few days.  This was a relief because it cut feeding times in half.  Kason was taking 30-40 minutes to eat with the shield.  Without it, 15-20 minutes.  This was a welcomed change for a mama that was feeling like a cow!  Ha!  

After 3.5 months,  I can finally say that breastfeeding is going well, which is great, except for the fact that the start of school is getting closer and closer.  Although I plan on pumping and continuing to only feed Kason breast milk (with the occasional formula as needed),  I obviously cannot continue exclusively breastfeeding.  This sweet baby has to take a bottle.  I have been pumping and attempting to give Kason a bottle, but have been failing miserably.  He does not want anything to do with the bottle.  Sigh.  I guess this boy just loves his mama (or boobs..ha!).  I am going to keep trying (with the help of many others) and eventually I know Kason will take the bottle.  After all, he doesn't really have a choice, right?!  My husband so kindly reminded me last night that I've overcome about every breastfeeding obstical that's been thrown my way, I will overcome this one as well.  I sure hope he is right! :)

So there it is.  The ups and downs of breastfeeding.  Looking back on it all I am so glad I stuck with it.  There are so many times I wanted to give up.  I was exhausted and frustrated but for some reason I kept with it.  I am glad I have been able to spend that intimate time with Kason.  It is something that has bonded us together and I will always cherish those quiet times.  I have spent those long hours staring at my sweet baby boy and praying for his life. Although it has been one of the hardest things I've done, I'm so glad I chose to do it.  I plan on doing it with my next baby as well, I just hope things go much more smoothly!

Whew, that was long!  Thanks for reading if you made it to the bottom!

**I think I should end this post by saying that I have nothing against formula feeding.  I was formula fed for most of my first year, and I think I turned out ok (others might disagree)!  Breastfeeding is a decision I made because I wanted to.  I know it is not for everyone.  The most important thing is feeding your baby, whether it be breast milk or formula. :)**

Battle of the Wills!

I know it's hard to believe that this sweet face is already giving this mama a run for her money..but he sure it!  This being a mom stuff is hard.  Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely the best things ever, but it is hard work!  Now truth be told I am quite a stubborn person.  Have been since I could talk.  My husband, also pretty stubborn.  Well when two strong willed, stubborn people create a baby the chances of the baby being easy going are well..slim.  You might have an idea what I'm going to say next.  Kason is stubborn!  At only 12 weeks old he is already showing his personality.  Although he is such a good baby, he is a tad bit on the stubborn side.  I'm sure my parents are going to sit back and have a good laugh over the next 18+ years over the sweet payback they are witnessing.  

Our first major battle has to do with these...

Yes, those are all of the bottles we've tried to give Kason at one point or another.  About a month ago, Duane started trying to give Kason a bottle in the evening.  Since I will be going back to work in a couple of months, we knew that he needed to get used to taking a bottle.  As a new mom, this was not something I anticipated being a problem.  I had NO idea that some breastfed babies struggle with the concept of a bottle.  Kason would take about an ounce of the pumped milk and then just scream.  We tried three different types of bottles, different times during the day, different holding positions..nothing seemed to work!  I was getting more and more stressed out each time and would just end up nursing him.  After all, I had what he needed and wanted, so I felt bad not giving it to him.  We gave up on the bottles for a few weeks because of just plain frustration.  The bottle break lasted up until yesterday.

I'm helping with VBS at church.  It is over 3 hours long and Kason usually eats every 2.5 hours.  Immediately I foresaw a problem.  I would either have to leave my group to nurse Kason, or he would have to take the dreaded bottle.  Luckily, my incredibly patient mom was also going to be helping at VBS.  She was able to keep Kason with her and attempt the bottle feeding.  Yesterday Kason (as expected) took an ounce and then started screaming.  This time though, I did not give in and nurse him.  I think it made it easier that I was out of the area where he was being fed..but we'll just act like I was strong!  After a lot of struggle, Kason finally gave in and took 4.5 ounces!  Wahoo Kason!  I'm one proud (and relieved) mama!  Today he only fussed a little before giving in.  I'm hoping by Friday he'll be taking a bottle without a hitch!  I feel so much more at ease knowing that if I need to be gone for longer than 2.5 hours, Kason will not go hungry.

  And in case you were wondering..this is the bottle that eventually worked for us...

Another battle happened about 3 hours ago.  Kason is still sleeping in our room at night.  Judge me if you'd like..but I'm just not ready for him to sleep in his own room quite yet.  He is sleeping 7-8 hours in our room, which is great!  We will probably move him to his crib in his nursery in a couple of weeks.  I decided today that I am going to lay him in his crib for naps so that he gets used to it.  I have done this before, but I always rock him to sleep and then lay him in the crib.  Today I could tell he was getting tired so I went and laid him in his crib, turned on his sleep sheep, stuck the paci in, and walked out.  He laid there cooing to himself for about 15 minutes.  After that, the crying started.  And kept going and going and going.  I went in ever 15 minutes and put his paci back in, no luck.  It was so hard to listen to him cry.  FINALLY, after about 45 minutes this was what I saw on the monitor...

And then I walked into his nursery and saw this sweet sight..

I know some don't believe in letting a baby cry it out, and I don't either when the baby is super young. However, I do think it's important to teach a baby how to put themselves to sleep.  I'm hoping this will get easier every day.  He ended up sleeping for an hour and a half in his crib..which is a new Kason record!

Although we may have a stubborn baby, I'm happy to report that we are making huge strides!  We love this little boy and all of his characteristics (even the stubborn part!).  We can't wait to learn more about him!

Patience is a Virtue

I've heard the saying patience is a virtue a thousand times.  Why you ask..well it's because it is a virtue I do not possess.  I am about the least patient person on the face of the planet.  Okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point.

I've struggled with the concept of patience for my entire 24 years of existence.  I guess I don't remember the first 3 or 4 years..but I have this feeling that I was not patient.  There have been multiple times that God has tried to teach me patience.  

When I decided to go to school to become a teacher, I thought God was teaching me patience.  He was..but I wasn't ready to learn.

When I got my first teaching job mid-year, I was for sure God was teaching me patience.  He was..but I wasn't being a good student.  

When I got my second teaching school in an urban school system teaching sixth grade I figured God was once again attempting to settle me down and make me more patient.  He was..and I was trying my best to learn this tough concept.

When I became a mom I became certain that God is teaching me patience.  He is actually forcing me to learn.  Serves me right, for ignoring all of the other lessons.  You see God didn't give up on me.  He gave me lots of lessons that allowed me to slowly let grip of my up-tight, always stressed self and become patient.  Little did I know through all of this lessons he was preparing me for a time that I would need a lot of patience.

I love Kason with all of my heart.  I am loving being his mom and wouldn't trade it for anything.  However, being a mom can be frustrating and absolutely exhausting.  I'm brave enough to admit this at the risk of sounding like a horrible mom.  If you don't think it's challenging, then I guess you are super mom and I would like your number! :)

Here are some things I've learned about patience over the past 2 months:

Patience is...

...learning to keep your cool even when your baby is screaming at the top of his lungs and has been for 40 minutes.  It took me a while but I finally don't burst into tears every time this happens.  Don't get me wrong, occasionally Kason and I both have a good cry together, but it has gotten much better!

...not giving up on breastfeeding even though it is demanding, tiring, and down right frustrating.  I don't think breastfeeding has been the "walk in the park" experience I was hoping for.  I can't eat dairy without having a fussy baby and a lot of the time Kason screams through feedings.  But I try to be patient and we slowly work our way through it.  It's the healthiest thing for my little guy..so I will push forward and continue to learn to be patient.

...not getting mad at my husband over little things because I am exhausted.  Duane helps me so much but often I lose my cool with him simply because I am just flat out tired.  I've been trying to become more patience even through the exhaustion.  After all, he's exhausted too! :)

...accepting the fact that a lot of the time Kason just wants his mama.  Even if I've been the one holding and loving on him all day, he still may only want me at night.  And guess what, that is ok!  In about 12 years I'm sure he'll be embarrassed by me so I'll enjoy this time! 

...living in the now and not always hoping for the future.  I find myself constantly thinking: I can't wait until Kason sleeps over 8 hours at night.  I can't wait until he is past the colic phase and stops screaming every night.  I can't wait until he doesn't need to eat every 2 hours so I feel more like a human and less like a cow (ha!).  However, I know that when he is 2 I am going to look back and ache for him to be a baby again.  I'm trying to be patient and enjoy the stage he is at right now.

Yes, I have learned a lot about patience over the past 2 months.  I know I will learn a lot more about it in the next 18 years.  For now though, I think I will use these patience lessons to prepare me for the long (and wonderful) road ahead! :)

After all...this little guy is the best patience teacher I could have asked for! :)

{That's right..lock up your daughters because this kid is pretty stinkin' cute and bound to be a heartbreaker someday!}

{Ready for the beach in a few weeks! :)}

Notes from a New Mama

Today marks Kason's two week birthday.  Two weeks ago today I was busy bringing this sweet, adorable little guy into this world.  Wow, 2 weeks has flown by!  I need time to slow down for the next few 20 years.  I feel like I have learned SO much in the last two weeks.  Now obviously I don't have it all figured out, but I am slowly starting to understand how to care for this sweet baby that God has trusted me with.  

Here are some things I've learned after two weeks. . . 

...I come second.  I'll be the first to admit that I've always been a little self centered.  That has changed in the past two weeks.  I'm no longer as concerned about what I need, but more concerned with what Kason needs.  He is fully reliant on me, and although that terrifies me at times, I am learning to better understand what he needs.

...I've learned what it truly means to be exhausted, Ha! :)  I remember thinking I was exhausted when I was in college and busy with school...that exhaustion has NOTHING on what I'm currently experiencing.  Of course the exhaustion is totally worth it, it's just a new experience!

...Breastfeeding is hard, demanding, but 100% worth it.  This was something that I was really worried about while I was pregnant.  Would I be able to breastfeed?  Would it be a rewarding experience?  I asked lots of questions and constantly worried.  Luckily, Kason and I have figured out this breastfeeding thing pretty well.  The hardest part is knowing that I'm the only one (for now) that can feed him.  That part is exhausting but I wouldn't change it for anything!

...Snuggle time with Kason is so important!  I am trying to tell myself that a clean house is not important right now.  Blogging, talking on the phone, etc. are not important.  Kason will only be this little once and I want to hold and cuddle him for as long as I can.  I'm guilty of hitting silent when people call me and not responding to texts (sorry if you've been a victim of this!) but sometimes I just want to sit in silence and hold my baby.  I mean who wouldn't want to snuggle with this...



...I would not be able to do this alone.  Duane and I have said it over and over again, we don't know how single parents do it.  It take both of our time and energy to take care of a new baby.  We have become such a good team, and I can already tell it has made our marriage stronger.  Now I'm not naive enough to think that parenting will always make our marriage stronger, but for now, we make a great team!  Duane is a fabulous daddy and I have fallen more in love with him through watching him interact with Kason.

...My faith and belief in God has never been stronger.  I'm not sure how anyone can look at an infant and not believe in God.  This tiny human grew inside of me for 9 months and is now here.  He is healthy, and perfect.  To think that is by chance is, in my opinion, absoultely crazy.  At the same time, I am totally entrusting God to watch over and protect my baby boy.  He will help and teach me how to raise this boy, but ultimately, Kason's life is in his hands.  He knows what Kason will be doing in 5, 10, 15 years and in that I find a lot of comfort.

...Being a mommy is not going to be easy.  In fact, I have a feeling it's going to be really, really hard.  I'm going to need Duane and God to help me get through every moment.  However, I want to constantly work on learning to be a great mama to Kason (and any other babies that come in future years).  I want to raise a son that loves Jesus and I know that he needs to see that love in Duane and I.  That being said, I want to constantly be working to show him Jesus' love so that he can understand how important it is.  I'm so grateful God has given me the chance to be a mommy to this sweet baby boy! :)