decisions

Where you lead me I will follow, where you lead me I will go.  Where you lead me I will follow, Jesus take me down that road.

We sang this song at church on Sunday and I couldn't have needed to hear it more.  I have never been a good decision maker.  Every time Duane and I go out to eat he asks me to pick and I repetitively refuse.  I'm indicisive and I hate that about myself.  I wish making decisions came easily to me.  Let's be honest though, if I can't decide between Panda Express and Panera, major life decisions are out of the question.  I've come to realize over the years that the reason I struggle to make decisions is because I worry so much about the people around me and how the decisions I make affect them.  I'm not saying this so that everyone can say "Oh what a selfless person she is" because I am nowhere NEAR selfless.  Usually quite the opposite, actually.  However when it comes to making decisions I am always so focused on how it will affect others. This goes for simple decisions along with big decisions.  There comes a time though, when I have to remember that I have to do what is best for me.  That in turn will be the best decision for my loved ones as well.

I haven't kept it secret that this year has been nothing short of difficult.  Going back to work after 4 months off with my baby presented unforeseen challenges.  The hours away from my baby seemed longer than I ever imagined.  I wholeheartedly decided to go back to work last August after much debate.  I decided that I didn't want to be done teaching.  I wasn't ready to give up on something that I only did for a year and a half.  I wasn't ready to just throw my hard earned degree down the drain.  I knew it would be hard, but I dove head first into my new class.  It was what I felt God was calling me to do.  I have known for a long time that my classroom and school are my mission field.  That is why I love working in the school I work in.  Yes, the kids are rough and there are days where I want to quit, but it is so rewarding.  So, so rewarding.  Not only am I teaching my students math and language, I am teaching them life lessons.  Lessons that they might not learn at home.  I am showing them the love the Christ shows me.  I pray for them at night and on my way to school.  I am not exaggerating when I say that many of them feel like my own children.  However, being a "mom" to 26 sixth graders has been exhausting both physically and mentally.  The one way 45 minute drive is exhausting.  There are nights I come home with little energy for my own son.  And this is where I struggle.  This is where my decision comes in.  Can I do this any longer?  Can I continue to teach next year?

This afternoon I sat in my principal's office.  As it goes in any job setting, rumors spread and I had shared my thoughts of not teaching next year with a few colleagues whom in turn shared those thoughts with my principal.  Just as he had heard through the grapevine that I may not be coming back I heard through the grapevine that my principal was on to me.  Luckily, I have an awesome principal that is extremely supportive.  He talked through things with me as I sat in tears, feeling overwhelmed with the decision before me.  He told me he supported me in either decision I made.  He said he didn't want to persuade me either way, but to remember that my baby is only young once.  I know that he respects me as a teacher, but I also know he respects me as a mother.  And that is not found in all bosses.  He was so reassuring and I desperately needed to hear the wisdom he had for me.  At the end of our conversation he told me to take as much time as I needed to decide.  He advised me to pray about my decision and I muttered something like "I've been praying a million times a day and I wish God would just give me a definite sign!"  He reminded me that neither decision is the "wrong" decision and to just follow what my heart tells me to do.  If only I could listen to my heart and drowned out the sound of my brain.

My heart is telling me that I would be a better mom and wife if I left my teaching job.  My heart tells me that I would feel much more at peace if I was able to spend my days with Kason.  On the other hand, my heart aches in thinking about not being able to teach anymore.  Not being able to feel like I am working in my mission field anymore.  Giving up (for now) on a dream I have had since I was in kindergarten.  Apparently my heart is torn.

When thinking about this decision I know I need to put myself and my family first.  I always look at other working moms that seem to be able to balance it all and think.."man, if they can do it, so can I."   I start to feel guilty and think that maybe I am just being dramatic and over emotional.  But that's not reality.  The reality is that I feel as though I am getting lost in a sea of busyness and exhaustion.  I feel like I am not giving my 100% to Kason and Duane.  I feel like it's not going to get easier in a few years when I have another baby to think about.  I need to do what is right for me.  I am my own person, and I can't base my decisions on what other people are capable of.

I don't really know where I am going with all of this.  I have not decided if I am going to resign from my job.  There are a lot of things that go into this decision, finances being the big one.  After talking to my principal, I am confident that if I want to go back to teaching in the future, I will be able to so that fear has subsided a bit.

  All I know is that I am so thankful that I serve a God that knows the big picture when I can't even see into next month.  Thankful that through my many, many prayers God is revealing himself to me in ways I have never seen before.

So for now, I will just pray, because when it comes to making these decisions...that is all I know how to do.

This is the verse that I repeat over and over again when making decisions like this one...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11    

A humble reminder {Thankful}

This was me a year ago on Thanksgiving...

Today I am obviously thankful that instead of carrying that sweet baby boy inside of me, I will be spending the day watching my son giggle and smile.   I could go on and on about the joy he brings me and how thankful I am for him, but I think that's already pretty clear.  However, yesterday, I was reminded of how grateful I am that Kason is happy and healthy.

Last night I went to visit one of my students in the hospital.  She is in the ICU at the local children's hospital.  They don't know what is wrong with her, but her body is basically failing on her, and they can't find an exact cause.  Today they will be placing her into a drug induced coma because her body is working too hard at fighting the disease that has taken over her body. As I walked through the halls of the ICU last night, my heart slowly broke.  I literally felt like I could be sick to my stomach.  I walked by rooms where babies were laying in cribs with tubes attached to every visible part of their bodies.  I saw families with tears in their eyes as they looked at their child laying helpless in a hospital bed.  I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

That experience brought me to a humbling realization.  No matter what is going wrong in my life, I have a healthy son.  I can come home and hug him everyday after work.  I can spend Thanksgiving with him today.  Some parents don't have that.  As a parent, I can't even begin to fathom my baby being sick in the hospital (let alone the ICU) or even worse, my baby not being here.

So today, I am thankful to God, and him only, for blessing me with a healthy child.  I am blessed beyond measures and far beyond what I deserve.  So while I am thankful, I am also being prayerful for those families that are finding it hard to be thankful on this holiday.  My hear hurts for them, and I am praying that God will comfort them in these dark times. 

 Please pray for my student.  She is such a sweet girl after seeing her last night, I am going to be praying all day that God comforts her and brings love and guidance to her family.  I don't want to give a lot of details, but she was just at school on Monday, and I sent her to the nurse because she had a fever.  How quickly life can change.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I feel like I had to blog about this because it is such a humbling reminder to me, and you.  No matter how bad I think things are, I will always be thankful that at this moment, I have a healthy, beautiful baby boy.  

I am thankful that I get to see this smile all day...

Happy Thanksgiving!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will for you in Christ." --1 Thessalonians 5:18

Dear Kason

Dear Kason,

Tomorrow is your mama's first full day back at work.  I can't believe my 4.5 months at home with you are coming to an end.  I have truly enjoyed every moment that we have spent together, even the hard ones. You make me smile like no one else can and I am so thankful God has blessed me with such a sweet, happy baby.

Tomorrow will be a hard day for your mama.  I know you are probably too small to know that I am even gone, but I will for sure know that I am away from you.  For the past 4.5 months I have only left you for a few hours.  The 9 months prior to that you were with me every second of every day.  This is why it is going to be so hard for me to leave you tomorrow.  I know that you will be in good hands with Aunt Jill (and then Grandma on Friday) but it is still hard for me to think about.  I'm the one that has gotten to know everything about you over the past few months.  I know what makes you laugh, what makes you sad, and what toys are your favorite.  I know what every one of your cries means.  I know what to do to make you smile that huge toothless smile.  As much as I know that other people will learn all of these things about you, it won't be the same.  It's going to be a hard day (and a hard year).

Although I will miss you tomorrow, I want you to know that I am going back to work to do what is best for our family.  I will be working hard to provide for the things that you need.  I love teaching and loving on kids that might not get it at home.  Teaching is something that I think God has called me to do.  I know He wants me to help kids that need me.  I hope that you grow up seeing my desire to help children and in turn you will grow to love helping people.  I promise to work hard at school but when the day is over, I will come home and focus all of my time and energy on you and daddy.  I will leave work at work, plain and simple. Being a mommy will always be my most favorite job, and I want you to always remember that.

I am so grateful that I have gotten to spend with last 4.5 months at home getting to know you.  You have know idea how much you have changed my life in this short amount of time.  I have learned so much about what it means to love someone unconditionally, no matter what.  You bring so much joy to my life.  I can't wait to continue to watch you grow and learn.  I am so thankful for a job that allows me so many breaks to spend with you.  I know I will cherish every one of those breaks.

I know you will do great tomorrow, and mama will be fine too.

I love you so much sweet boy,
Your Mama

A balancing act

Just a warning - I'm just back from a long walk in which I've had a lot of time to think about what I want to say in this blog post.  Therefore you are about to read words that are straight from my heart and you are about to see the inter-workings of my mind over the past 4 months.  It may be long, so just bare with me.

Moving on..

I was a cheerleader in high school.  I was the one that they threw up in the air and held me in obscure positions high off the ground for way too long.  Being a flyer meant you had to have good balance.  Let's just say, I did not.  I got better with practice but still, as a senior, I struggled.  Everything had to be perfectly in order for me to stay up in a pyramid for a mere 10 seconds.  I mean hands had to be placed on my foot/feet perfectly or all you know what would break loose.  The one time something was out of place, that was it, I came flailing to the ground and prayed that my bases would catch me and that I would not break another back spot's nose (which really happened...more than once...woops). 

Throughout my life I have noticed that this cheerleading story is kind of like an ever present representation of my ability to balance things, people, or tasks in my life.  If too many tasks are at hand I struggle to find a way to balance them.  If too many people are needing my attention or help I get overwhelmed at the thought of distributing my time evenly (which is kind of ironic considering I'm a teacher and this is a MAJOR part of my job).  I can multitask, but I find it hard to balance my attention when doing so.  Balancing and I just aren't friends.  Never have been.  When I was in elementary school my teachers would always check the box on my report card that said "uses time wisely".  And by check, it means I didn't do it..in case there's any confusion.  Ha!  I think my lack of time management was due to my constant need to socialize instead of focusing on school work.  I couldn't balance both things and therefore, I get the check and the ever dreaded parent lecture.  Side-note: I'm sure Kason is looking forward to those lectures. :)

So you might understand my great anxiety when I think about going back to teaching and balancing my career with being a mom and a wife and a daughter and a sister and a friend...the list goes on.  But my main fear is balancing being a mommy with being a teacher.  Why is this so hard to grasp?  Well because I'm new at both of these things.  I've only been a mom for 4 months and a teacher for 1.5 years.  Insert stress here.  So over the past few months I've been praying and thinking about what this balance would look like.

When I got pregnant one of the main reasons that I was so upset about the timing was the fact that I would most likely not be able to stay home with my baby.  This was a dream crusher at the time and I really struggled with it.  My mom stayed home until I was a sophomore in high school and I loved the experiences I had with her and my sisters.  Because of this I always wanted to stay home when I had kids.  I never really gave it a second thought, I just thought it would work out.  When I got pregnant (almost a year ago to date) I realized my dream might be flying out the window, and that was hard.  Financially, it would be hard for me to stay home since Kason was going to arrive a bit earlier than we had planned.  I kind of put the thought of what August 2011 would look like on the back burner and tried to enjoy my pregnancy.  I continued in this state of "not facing my feelings" up until about 2 months ago.

August was only a couple of months away and I had a decision to make.  Would I leave a job I love and stay home or would I continue to teach and somehow find a way to balance it all.  I prayed and prayed about this.  And when I say I prayed I mean you can page thru my prayer journal and I mention this decision in about every entry.  God slowly showed me what I was supposed to do, in the most subtle ways of course.  I decided I would continue teaching.  It would be hard, probably one of the hardest things I've done, but it's what I want to do.

After I made this decision I of course went into a mindset that I would be missing out on Kason's life.  What if I miss his first words?  What if I miss his first steps?  Next, there were the thoughts about my job. What if I'm not a good teacher because I'm worried about how Kason is at home?  What if I'm crabby towards my students because I'm so exhausted from working and being a mom.  I could go on and on.  There will always be the what ifs.  But I have decided is that I will stop thinking what if, and start learning how to balance being the best mom AND the best teacher I can be.  I honestly think this will teach me more discipline and organization.  It will teach me to use every ounce of my prep to prepare for the next school day, so that I can go home to my baby and leave thoughts of school at school.  It will teach me to truly cherish the hours in a day I have with Kason.  It will teach me to be more organized and to use my time wisely (this would make all my elementary school teachers proud:))  I will give both jobs my all.


I still struggle daily with the thought of going back to work.  The first day back will be rough and I'm sure I'll shed a few tears.  That being said, I am looking forward to going back to teaching.  I'm excited to meet my new class for next year and to meet the 25-30 students I have prayed for this summer.  I absolutely love teaching and would miss it greatly if I left.  I know there will be days when I wish I was with Kason, but that's okay.  I'm doing what's best for my family and that is what I keep saying over and over again in my head.  This is what I want to do right now and it's what works for us.  I'm at peace with this because it is a decision I made (with the help of my wonderful husband and of course, God).  I will always be a mommy first and a teacher second, that will never change.

I want to end this post by saying how grateful I am for my job.  I have such a supportive staff (including another new mom/teacher) that will be 100% supportive towards me.  I love the students I work with and work hard at being a positive adult influence in their lives.  I have family and friends who will (and already have been) be supportive and for that I am so thankful.  Teaching really is the best job for a mom.  The school I teach at is on a really great schedule where we go for 9 weeks and then have 2 weeks off.  This will give me lots of breaks with Kason as well as 2 months in the summer.  I've never been a teacher for the time off, but I do love this schedule! :)  Duane's mom was a teacher while he was growing up and he told me the other day that he has so many memories of spending time with his mom in the summer.  He doesn't remember her working while he was at his grandparents, he remembers the fun memories he had with her while she was home.  That is what I hope and pray Kason remembers.

Thanks for listening.  I would appreciate any prayers come July 28 (first teacher day).  


Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Bittersweet

I've been debating for the last week about whether or not teaching up until my due date was a good idea.  When I started my new teaching job in August, I thought, "Oh sure, I'll teach up until my baby is here!" Well here I am patiently waiting for Baby G to make his grand entrance...and I'm having second thoughts about my original plan.  It sounded good in August (when I was 6 weeks) because I knew I wasn't going to get paid for my time off, so why not work as many days as possible.  Clearly, I had no idea how exhauting the last month of pregnancy could be!  Over the past few days Duane and I have been discussing whether or not it might be a good idea to take a few days off before Baby G is here.  I knew I could use a few "mental health" days to relax and let my body prepare for labor (as much as it can).  However, I knew I would feel lazy if I took the week of my due date off and then Baby G decided to come a week late.  I was stuck!

Well today, I decided that tomorrow would be my last day before I start my maternity leave.  It's better for me, and better for my 6th graders as my patience is running thin (unlike my body!  HA!).  This is such a bittersweet feeling.  I am so glad that I will have time to rest and I am so excited to become a mama, but leaving my kids makes me sad.  I taught last year for a few months but my current class has been the first class that has really felt like mine.  Now it will become someone else's class.  These kids have grown so much during the past 6 months and I have loved teaching them.  Has it been easy, absolutely not!  If you don't know, I teach in a school that has about an 80% free/reduced lunch rate.  Our kids can be challenging and some days I want to throw in the towel and give up.  It is a lot of work.  Much more work then I've done in any other school.  Sometimes it's overwhelming and hard to keep going when you feel like theres too much to do and your constantly getting told by politicians that you are doing nothing and failing students.  However, the kids I work with need me.  They need someone to love and believe in them.  That's why I keep going.  That's why I love where I teach.  That's why I'm going to miss them like crazy!

I am so glad that I will have some time to rest (unless I go into labor in the next 3 days!) but am so sad to leave my kids!  I don't think they know how much they've impacted me this year.

Thanks for listening. :)

Sidenote: Baby G's letters to his name (that are going above his crib) came today!!!  It was so fun to see his name spelled out, ready to go up on the wall!  I can't wait to share his cute name with you all! :)

Lesson from an 11 Year Old

Sometimes I am amazed at the lessons my sixth graders teach me.  I knew that teaching would be a rewarding profession, but I don't think I really understood that concept until this year.  One of my students today taught me a lesson that I have been trying to make myself understand for the past couple of months.  I'm sure she has no idea at the impact she had on me today.

I have mentioned before that the girls in my small group are currently reading Shane Clayborne's Irresistible Revolution.  It is a very challenging book.  Not challenging to read, but challenging to apply to my life.  He challenges us as Christians to literally give up everything we have to the poor.  It's what Jesus commanded us to do, so therefore we should do it.  Talk about a struggle for this middle class, everything - handed - to - her girl.  Obviously I am still working on this.  I am still working on giving my time and talents (along with money) to people whom need it.

Teaching is an area that I feel like I make a difference.  It's an area where I feel like I am using my talents to help others.  However, sometimes I think God puts kids in my class to show me how to live my life.  In Irresistible Revolution Shane talks about his experiences working (and living) with homeless people in different parts of the world.  He talks about their willingness to share everything they have with others.  People that have nothing (in America's standards) willing to share the little they have..what a concept.  Puts my "sharing" into perspective.  After all, I live in America and have been taught that anything I earn is mine.  Period.  

I am still trying to work on and grasp the concept of sharing everything I own.  Everything I own truly belongs to Jesus so why should I not be willing to share.  Easier said than done.

 Today, one of my students showed me what it means to share even when you have little.  When I walked into the classroom after greeting students in the hall there was this on my desk...

I know what you're thinking "Cool, a stuffed animal that says it's a boy.  What's so life changing about that?!"  A pretty legit question, unless you know a little bit about my students.  I work at a school that has a pretty high poverty rate.  Most of my kids don't have a lot.  This girl in particular that gave me the gift doesn't necessarily have a lot many material possessions or money (she is a very generous girl with lots of talents to offer).  That is why this gift was so important.  She is literally SO excited about Baby G, that she felt it necessary to get me a present and card that told me how excited she was.  She told me that she should have given it to me a while ago, but didn't have the money until now.  And she chose to spend it on me and Baby G.  

Giving to others at it's finest.  From an 11 year old.

Sometimes I question why I'm so selfish with things I own.  Why am I so selfish with our money?  Why am I so selfish with my time?  Why am I so selfish with my material possessions?  And most importantly, what am I doing to change how I live my life?  I'm sure Jesus is asking the same questions as he looks at my life.  I think Jesus was trying to show me what sharing with others looks like today.  I don't think this girl has any idea what she taught me.  Something much more important than I could have ever taught her.

Whoever closes his ear to the cry of the poor

will himself call out and not be answered. *Proverbs 21:13*

Where you lead me I will follow...

I remember singing the song "I have decided to follow Jesus" back in children's church. Those are powerful words that never really made sense to me until I got a little older. A few years ago when Duane went on CIY, Aaron Peslue came out with a new version of the song and I loved it. The words are simple, yet so meaningful. This song has been running through my head a lot the past few weeks as my teaching job at Danville was coming to an end and I began the job search all over again. As always, God took care of me and for that I am very thankful.

I have loved my time at Danville. I have learned so much and gotten to know some really great teachers and kids. I felt comfortable there. Danville is a lot like Plainfield and so it was definitely in my comfort zone. It was a great school to work at and I am grateful I had the opportunity to teach there. However, I still felt a calling to a different type of school. Ever since I went on a couple of mission trips in high school, I have desperately wanted to teach in a more urban school. It's a hard feeling to explain but I know that's where I belong. This dream came to life when I student taught in Perry. I had such a great experience there and felt like it was the type of environment I'd love to teach in. I love the diversity of students and how much they impacted me. Don't get me wrong..my students at Danville have greatly impacted me and I will miss them dearly. I just feel like I belong somewhere else..and not just because there was no job for me in Danville...ha! :)

So, about a month ago I started the job search again. I would check every school's website within a 30 mile radius for job postings. I did this every single night! It became a little game that I did NOT like to play! I applied for a fourth grade teaching position at Pitsborro elementary, another small school in Henricks county, and also a sixth grade teaching position at Creston Intermediate Academy in Warren Township. I prayed about it a lot. I asked God to lead me to the school he wanted me at. The school that I would hopefully stay at for a while.

Fast forward a few days and I got a call from Pitsborro to interview. Unfortunately I did not get an interview for the full time fourth grade position I had applied for, but instead a fifth grade maternity leave position at the same school. It had been a little over a week since I had applied at Warren, so I had pretty much given up on getting an interview. I agreed to interview for the maternity leave, knowing that it was not what I wanted. The morning of the interview I was feeling really discouraged. I just wanted a full time job. Little did I know, God was just wanting me to practice patience (I need LOTS of practice in this area). The day of my interview with Pittsboro I got a call from Warren and they asked me to interview the next day. I was SO excited I could hardly contain myself. I went ahead and went to my interview at Pittsboro and it went really well. They offered me the position and it sounded like a great school. Duane and I decided that if I did not get a full time teaching job, we would risk me taking the maternity leave and not having anything after it (I'm so lucky to have a supportive husband). After my interview I started preparing for my interview the next day.

My best friend, Carrie, teaches at Creston Middle School and she came over and helped me "prep" for my interview the night before. She was a big help! I was a nervous wreck the day of my interview. Luckily I was teaching all day so that helped take my mind off the interview. I headed to the interview right after school. I prayed the whole way there. I just had a feeling that I would love teaching at Warren. To my surprise, the interview went great! I loved the principal and assistant principal and thought the school sounded like the type of school I wanted to be at. I left the interview feeling pretty confident. After all, I did just teach sixth grade for 6 months so I think I should have a little idea of what I'm doing...right?! :) The principal said they would discuss their decision and call me in the middle of the next week. I was dreading the "wait" time, but felt like I had done the best I could in the interview and the rest was up to God. Little did I know, I'd only have to wait two days!

On Monday my current principal came to me and said he had just gotten off the phone with Creston's principal and that I needed to call him. I left my kids with another teacher and called him right away. And guess what....he offered me the job!!!!!! I was SO excited!!! So excited and so relieved. God had answered my prayer and where HE leads me, I will follow.

Today was my last day at Danville. It was a very bittersweet day. I was sad to be parting with my students especially since I won't see them again in the future. I was also sad to leave some of the amazing teachers I have met. However, I am so ready to move on to my new job. Am I nervous, of course! It wouldn't be normal if I wasn't! I know that this is where God wants me, and I find a lot of peace in that.

These last few weeks have been nothing short of crazy and I am so relieved to have a little break. In college we always learned about how stressful the beginning of school was, but no one ever told us how crazy the end of school was. Geez! I wouldn't have gotten everything done had it not been for Duane. He helped with lots of end of the year things while I was setting up my new room at the summer camp I work at. He's a keeper I guess....:)

So there you have it. I am so excited to start my second year (kind of) of teaching. I can't wait to blog more about it! I'm exhausted though, so I think it's time for me to relax! Have a great night!

Notes From a First Year Teacher

I started this blog not because I thought people really were all that interested in my life, but instead as more of a journal and "scrapbook" for myself. My memory is not the best, and I wanted to have a detailed journal of things that are going on in our life. I wanted to be able to remember our first years of marriage, Kaia's first years, my first years as a teacher, and someday our first years of parenthood. That was the goal of this blog, so if you think this blog post is a bit boring...than at least I warned you! :) This post is more for me than it is for anyone else. I want to remember my first "year" of teaching so that I can look back in 5, 10, 15 years and read about the good and bad of my first year. I want to be able to write out all of the things that are running through my mind on a daily basis. So here it goes...

I am almost through my first year of teaching. Ok, technically it's not a full school year, but 6 months counts, right? I can't believe it. I have learned so much. More than any college professor or text book ever could have taught me. There have definitely been ups and downs, but I am thankful for the good times and the bad. Both helped me grow, and I watched my students grow right along with me. I am almost positive I have learned more than them this school year. Part of me can't wait for it to be over. To have a break from the daily grind. But part of me is sad to see my students move onto seventh grade. There are a few that have impacted me greatly, that I will truly miss.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that it seems like just yesterday I was a six grader, and today I sat in front of 28 six graders that have been put into my life for a reason. That reason is one I have always felt strongly about since I started college. Yes, I am a teacher and I need to "teach" the students in my classroom. However, I hope they have learned much more from me than prepositions, fractions, climate, and poetry (doesn't sixth grade sound like fun). It has always been my goal to teach students the important role they play in our classroom and one day society. I want them to learn to respect each other, and work out differences. I want them to learn that it is ok to struggle to understand certain concepts. It is ok to ask questions and ask for help. It is ok to get frustrated and want to give up. I want them to work at their own rate, even if it takes them 2 weeks longer than the rest of the class. These are all totally normal feelings and issues. I think this is something students struggle to understand. They want to be "normal" and keep up with their friends. They are afraid to be different because they may get made fun of. Being different is ok, in fact, it's better than "normal".

Most importantly I hope my students have learned that it is ok to mess up. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. It is what you do with those mistakes that matter. This is something I have tried to emphasize this year. I always point out when I mess up and make mistakes. I would never want my students to think I am any better than them or that I don't make mistakes. That's ridiculous. Unfortunately, I am just now really understanding the importance of this, so I might not have emphasized it enough. Do I think they fully understand it? A few of them do, but a lot don't. This is one area that I am going to strongly emphasize next year (or whenever I have my own classroom again).

These 28 pre-teens have been challenging. Oh, have they been challenging! There are many days that I got in my car and burst into tears. There were days when I felt like I had little control and that no one was learning anything from me. There were days when I wanted to quit and never teach again. I got frustrated, I snapped a few times, and I'm sure I will a few more times before May 28. I said things to students that I didn't mean and would later regret. This class is a rough group. However, part of me is very thankful that God gave me a difficult class to start out with. It has taught me to be much more patient and much more understanding. I am trying not to raise my voice so much or let little things get to me. After all, they are 12 year olds. They are going to be weird, annoying, aggrivating, and down right rude. It's to be expected and every now and then I have to remind myself that even though they are "older", they are still kids that are learning and growing all of the time.

I am known to be a more negative person. I am really trying to work on this and that starts in my classroom, with my students, and with my fellow teachers. I could go on and on about all of the things that have gone "wrong" in my classroom. I could list off all of the times I've been disrespected, lied to, or hurt. But what good is that going to do? I am trying not to dwell on the bad, but think about the good. And there is lots of good! Even on my worst day, when the students are out of control and I am constantly redirecting to maintain stability, seeing a student "get it" is so worth it. It's worth all of the crap that teachers have to deal with (in my opinion). Watching a student gain the understanding they've been looking for is so worth it.

There are several students in my class that I will never forget. Were they always the "best behaved" kids? No. Did they get under my skin? Absolutely. However, these memorable students worked their tail ends off to be good students and classroom leaders. They are my students that aren't afraid to ask questions, to seek advice, and to help me out whenever it is needed. They "get it". They don't always understand everything the first time, but they don't give up until they get it. I love watching students form their own understandings about what we are learning. I don't always have to be the "know all" teacher (clearly, I'm far from it). I want students to learn with me not from me. There are a few students that really showed me what that looked like. Something I will never forget.

This past six months has been by far the hardest sixth months of my life. They have been hard mentally and emotionally. Really getting to know myself as a teacher and get to know my students has taken a lot out of me. There are days when it seems like too much work. Like I don't have a minute of free time. There are moments when I want to run out of the classroom, go outside and scream. But it's all worth it. I am making a difference in kid's lives. I am impacting them, challenging them, and helping them. Believe me when I say that I am in no way trying to sound as though I have it all figured out. Trust me, I will never have it all figured out. I just feel like I am helping kids. Helping kids. That sums up my dream job. It doesn't pay a whole lot, and somedays it's nothing short of terrible, but I am helping kids become whatever it is they want to become. Teachers helped me get to where I am today, and I love paying it forward. Bottom line is, I love my job!

Well there you have it. Bored yet? I could literally sit here and type for hours, but I know that you are already dozing off, so I'll leave it at that. :)

Here are some pictures of my classroom. I would love to add pictures of my students, but I think that's illegal. Their names and faces will be permanently engrained in my head.