decisions {part 2}

Tomorrow will be my last day of teaching for a while.  As I walked into my principal's office today with tears in my eyes, I handed him my official letter of resignation.  This decision has not been an easy one.  I have been going back and forth for months.  There have been many nights where I have been up until the wee hours of the morning because my heart is so torn.  I don't say this to throw myself a pitty party, but for you as my readers to know that this is not a decision I have taken lightly.  I made numerous pros and cons list, talked to those closet to me, and prayed more than I have probably ever prayed in my life.  Through all of these things, God led me in one direction.  He led me to feel confident in my decision to leave a job I love and stay home full time with my son.  He led me to understand that my mission work with kids in a public education setting is done for now.  I have a big God, that always leads me in the right direction.  I have tears in my eyes as I type this, because seeing it actually written is so bitter sweet.

As I studied my pros and cons list, I was able to see that each of my biggest concerns were ones that I knew would be taken care of.  Number one on my list was the saddness I felt about leaving kids that I KNOW need me.  As I thought about that I realized that there are so many organizations that I could be a part of that allow me to still do what I love.  I have promised myself that I will find an organization to volunteer my time to a couple times a month so I don't lose my connection with kids.  I also reminded myself that I am 25.  If I stay home until Kason is 10, I'll be 35.  I would still have lots of teaching years left in me! :)

  Probably the next biggest concern was a financial one.  We will now only be receiving one steady income.  This is still scary to me and I often get lost in the "what ifs".  Thankfully, I have a husband that has helped suppress this fear.  He has created a detailed budget that we will follow.  He has looked in every area of our lives and found ways to cut expenses.  Will things be tight for a while?  Absolutely.  We might not be able to go on a family vacation every summer.  We may not be able to move to a bigger house for a while.  And that is ok.  When I'm whinning about not having any new clothes, I will remind myself that this is a decision that I made.  In the end, I think this decision will make us become much more aware of how we are spending our money.  Having never really lived on a budget before, it will be good to actually pay attention to where our money is going.  I am so grateful I have a husband that has done everything he can to make sure that we are financially prepared for the future.  I thank him and Dave Ramsey...ha! :)

In the end the pros way out weighed the cons.  I will get to be home with my baby day in and day out.  I will no longer feel stressed about trying to balance a full time job and being a wife and mama.  Don't get me wrong, I know being a stay at home mom will be a lot of work.  Maybe even more work than teaching, but knowing that is my full time job is such a weight lifted. Lastly, I will have time to focus on my growing photography business and although I don't want to do it full time, it's something I love that will allow me still use my creative mind.  I'd say the pros win.

I will miss teaching for many reasons.  I will miss the kids.  There are days that their attitudes and anger are almost too much to handle.  There are days when they drive me absolutely crazy.  But for some reason, I love them more than I can express.  I will miss seeing them everyday and watching them grow throughout the year.  Along with the students, I will miss the teachers and other staff members that I work with.  Teachers (especially the ones that teach in an urban setting) don't get the respect they deserve.  I am so honored to work with people that genuinely love kids that most people would find hard to love.  I have had many laughs and tears with my co-workers, and will miss them tremendously.  

  Please know my heart when I say that this is the best decision for me.  It is not a decision that everyone feels obligated to make.  I can't tell you how many times over tha past year that I have heard someone say something or post something on Facebook that makes me feel like an awful mom for choosing to work.  I have cried one too many times because of those hurtful comments.  As moms we are meant to build each other up and often we just tear each other down.  There are many reasons that moms choose to work.  Some do it for financial/health insurance reasons and I admire them for providing for their families.  Others choose to work because they want to.  I admire those moms for finding a balance between work and home.  I am so thankful that I chose to work this year.  I wouldn't go back and change my decision at all.  If I hadn't worked, I wouldn't have ever known if I could balance it all.  I wouldn't have had the respect I do for working moms.  If you are a working mom, count on me to be your biggest cheerleader!

So that is my decision.  Thank you for following me along on this journey. :)

{My kids hands..since I don't want to post their faces online.  The biggest reason I chose to teach in the township I did was the diversity.  I love it!}

friday randoms

I've had writers block BIG TIME when it comes to my blog lately.  I think that my brain moves at a million miles per hour during the day so when I sit down to blog at night, my words just turn to mush and I can't string a thought together much less a blog post.  So bare with me as I try to pull a post full of randoms together. :)

...There are 13 days of school left.  Summer is so close I can taste it.  Bring on the trips to the pool, bike rides, and time with friends.  I have said this before every break this year but I have NEVER been so ready for a break! :)

...Tomorrow we are going to a wedding of a dear family friend.  This girl has been like a little sister to me, and tomorrow she is getting married!  So excited for her wedding and reception...did I mention the reception will be in a barn?!  So fun!

...I am very close to making a decision about whether or not I am going to teach next year.  So thankful for all of the comments on my blog and Facebook from encouraging friends and family.  So, so blessed to have such an amazing support system.  

...This week was teacher appreciation week.  Teaching is a hard, hard job.  It is so under appreciated, especially in the state we live in.  I work with some incredible teachers that work so hard for the students that walk through our school doors everyday.  Being a teacher has made me a better mother, and when Kason gets to school I will appreciate EVERYTHING his teachers do.

...Sometimes I really wish I didn't live my life worried about what others think of me.  I've always had an issue with this but it has become WAY worse since I've become a mom.  I have to remind myself daily that I am being the best mom for Kason and I can't worry about what all of the moms around me are doing.

...June is almost booked full of photo sessions.  I say it a lot of Facebook but I am so thankful for all of the business.

...I watched seasons 1 and 2 of Parenthood over spring break and loved it.  I need to start watching season 3 online..but I'm hoping it comes to Netflix soon!  Seriously, best show ever!

...We are going to California in a little over a month.  I'm already feeling the anxiety of traveling with a 14 month old and I haven't even stepped foot in the airpot.  I'm going to do a blog post begging for travel advice in a couple of weeks.

...I've had 2 vivid dreams recently where I am pregnant with another boy.  I am literally giving birth to him and cannot for the life of me come up with a name for him.  I have woken up both times racking my brain for boy names.  Is this a sign of my future?!  (I am not pregnant, by the way!)

...I'm still trying to figure out Blogger's new layout.  My photography blog/website is Wordpress and just when I got that all figured out..Blogger went and changed everything up!  I can't keep up!

...I'll leave you with a sweet picture of my boys mowing the grass.  So. Cute.  I have lots of pictures to edit and upload.  In 13 days, I think I will have plenty of time. :)

decisions

Where you lead me I will follow, where you lead me I will go.  Where you lead me I will follow, Jesus take me down that road.

We sang this song at church on Sunday and I couldn't have needed to hear it more.  I have never been a good decision maker.  Every time Duane and I go out to eat he asks me to pick and I repetitively refuse.  I'm indicisive and I hate that about myself.  I wish making decisions came easily to me.  Let's be honest though, if I can't decide between Panda Express and Panera, major life decisions are out of the question.  I've come to realize over the years that the reason I struggle to make decisions is because I worry so much about the people around me and how the decisions I make affect them.  I'm not saying this so that everyone can say "Oh what a selfless person she is" because I am nowhere NEAR selfless.  Usually quite the opposite, actually.  However when it comes to making decisions I am always so focused on how it will affect others. This goes for simple decisions along with big decisions.  There comes a time though, when I have to remember that I have to do what is best for me.  That in turn will be the best decision for my loved ones as well.

I haven't kept it secret that this year has been nothing short of difficult.  Going back to work after 4 months off with my baby presented unforeseen challenges.  The hours away from my baby seemed longer than I ever imagined.  I wholeheartedly decided to go back to work last August after much debate.  I decided that I didn't want to be done teaching.  I wasn't ready to give up on something that I only did for a year and a half.  I wasn't ready to just throw my hard earned degree down the drain.  I knew it would be hard, but I dove head first into my new class.  It was what I felt God was calling me to do.  I have known for a long time that my classroom and school are my mission field.  That is why I love working in the school I work in.  Yes, the kids are rough and there are days where I want to quit, but it is so rewarding.  So, so rewarding.  Not only am I teaching my students math and language, I am teaching them life lessons.  Lessons that they might not learn at home.  I am showing them the love the Christ shows me.  I pray for them at night and on my way to school.  I am not exaggerating when I say that many of them feel like my own children.  However, being a "mom" to 26 sixth graders has been exhausting both physically and mentally.  The one way 45 minute drive is exhausting.  There are nights I come home with little energy for my own son.  And this is where I struggle.  This is where my decision comes in.  Can I do this any longer?  Can I continue to teach next year?

This afternoon I sat in my principal's office.  As it goes in any job setting, rumors spread and I had shared my thoughts of not teaching next year with a few colleagues whom in turn shared those thoughts with my principal.  Just as he had heard through the grapevine that I may not be coming back I heard through the grapevine that my principal was on to me.  Luckily, I have an awesome principal that is extremely supportive.  He talked through things with me as I sat in tears, feeling overwhelmed with the decision before me.  He told me he supported me in either decision I made.  He said he didn't want to persuade me either way, but to remember that my baby is only young once.  I know that he respects me as a teacher, but I also know he respects me as a mother.  And that is not found in all bosses.  He was so reassuring and I desperately needed to hear the wisdom he had for me.  At the end of our conversation he told me to take as much time as I needed to decide.  He advised me to pray about my decision and I muttered something like "I've been praying a million times a day and I wish God would just give me a definite sign!"  He reminded me that neither decision is the "wrong" decision and to just follow what my heart tells me to do.  If only I could listen to my heart and drowned out the sound of my brain.

My heart is telling me that I would be a better mom and wife if I left my teaching job.  My heart tells me that I would feel much more at peace if I was able to spend my days with Kason.  On the other hand, my heart aches in thinking about not being able to teach anymore.  Not being able to feel like I am working in my mission field anymore.  Giving up (for now) on a dream I have had since I was in kindergarten.  Apparently my heart is torn.

When thinking about this decision I know I need to put myself and my family first.  I always look at other working moms that seem to be able to balance it all and think.."man, if they can do it, so can I."   I start to feel guilty and think that maybe I am just being dramatic and over emotional.  But that's not reality.  The reality is that I feel as though I am getting lost in a sea of busyness and exhaustion.  I feel like I am not giving my 100% to Kason and Duane.  I feel like it's not going to get easier in a few years when I have another baby to think about.  I need to do what is right for me.  I am my own person, and I can't base my decisions on what other people are capable of.

I don't really know where I am going with all of this.  I have not decided if I am going to resign from my job.  There are a lot of things that go into this decision, finances being the big one.  After talking to my principal, I am confident that if I want to go back to teaching in the future, I will be able to so that fear has subsided a bit.

  All I know is that I am so thankful that I serve a God that knows the big picture when I can't even see into next month.  Thankful that through my many, many prayers God is revealing himself to me in ways I have never seen before.

So for now, I will just pray, because when it comes to making these decisions...that is all I know how to do.

This is the verse that I repeat over and over again when making decisions like this one...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11    

insufficient

Being a mom has been the most rewarding thing I have ever experienced.  When Kason took his first steps, I was more proud of him than I was of myself the day I received my college diploma.  Watching him learn new things makes my heart more full that I ever imagined possible.  I love every second of it.  

The loving part is easy, it's the other parts of being a mom that are hard for me.  One of my biggest struggles?  Comparisons.  Comparisons to other moms to be exact.  I read an article this week about how in the world of blogs, Pinterest, and Facebook, we as moms are often left feeling insufficient.  To be honest, I have stopped looking at Pinterest all together because it overwhelms me.  I feel like I am not a good wife or mother, because I don't cook all of the amazing recipes I see on Pinterest.  It's an unhealthy feeling, so I just stopped making myself feel guilty.  It sounds silly, but I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that feels this way.  Seeing Facebook posts or blog post from stay at home moms makes me feel guilty.  I feel like because I wasn't able to spend the day at the zoo with my son, I am not as good of a mom.  Silly, I know.  I wish my mind didn't always go there.

Today was one of those days, I spent the day with 26 sixth graders and felt like I was ignored 75% of the day.  When I'm already feeling down about being away from Kason all day, it's not a good idea to look at Facebook or blogs.  I immediately am sent into tears thinking about the lack of time I'm spending with my child when other moms spend their whole days at home.  Now, please know I'm not saying this because I want to have a pity party for myself.  No time for that.

I'm saying it because on days like these, I have to remind myself that I am doing MY best.  Yes, I am working for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, but right now that is what is best for my family.  It's a decision we made and we are working through it.  During the day Kason is with people that love him unconditionally and probably doesn't even realize I'm gone.  I leave work at work, and focus all of my attention on Kason when I get home.  I try to make the 4-5 hours a day I see him special and full of love.  It's been said many times before, quality before quantity.  

I hope this helps my mama friends (esp. the working ones) out there.  The only person to compare yourself to is yourself.  Don't let anyone else make you feel like a bad mom.  As long as your are loving your child to the best of your ability, you are doing an amazing job.

I mean, how could you not love this little boy to pieces?!

:)

All things kason

Busy.  That's a great word to describe what our lives are like lately.  I think everyone always thinks they are in a busy stage in life (at least I do).  When I was in high school I was "busy" with all kinds of things.  In college I was "busy" writing papers and student teaching.  When I got married I was "busy" with married life.  All of those stages of life hold nothing on the busyness I am currently feeling.  Teaching, photography, and most importantly beign a wife and mama have me all in a tizzy!  I'm sure in 10 years when I'm in the stage of life that Kason will have an athletic event everynight, I will look back at this post and laugh.

Moving on...

Because of all of the busyness, I haven't done Kason's 11 or 12 month post.  You know, since he's now 13 months.  And I don't have time to type those posts at the moment, so I just thought I would fill you in on some cute and funny things Kason has been up to. I know, you're on the edge of your seats! :)

Some of his current faves..

1. Reading.  This boy LOVES LOVE LOVES to read!  I have never seen a 1 year old sit so still.  A couple of weeks ago he started bringing books to me.  He would hand them to me and then dance around until I picked him up.  We would sit and read them but he would get bored in the middle and move on to something else.  Well, for about the last week, he's been bringing me a book, handing it to me, and plopping down on my lap.  He kicks his little legs in anticiplation for me to start reading.  If I have something else in my hand he takes it and throws it and replaces it with his book.  Have I mentioned I am a teacher?  Have I mentioned I love children's books?  This MELTS MY HEART!  Kason's current faves are Pat the Bunny and Pat the Puppy.  We literally read them 15 times a day.  He just thinks they are great.  And I think he is pretty great!

2. Spinning.  Kason has a slight obsession with spinning around in circles.  He does it until he's so dizzy he falls over.  It is quite funny to watch him try to hold his balance.  Tonight Duane and I were spinning with Kason in his bedroom and Kaia came in and started chasing her tail and in turn spinning in circles.  Kason thought that it was hilarious.  Yes, we all spin around until we get dizzy.  It was a fun family time.  Don't judge us. :)

3. Sitting.  My grandma recovered a little foam chair for Kason.  I thought to myself.."the kid never sits still, there's no way he'll sit in a chair."  Wrong.  He thinks that chair is the best thing since sliced bread.  He climbs in it forwards (he hasn't realized he's doing it the hard way) and then sits and dangles his feet over the edge.  Sometimes he even lays his head back and looks like he's a lounging old man!  So funny!

4. Balloons.  O my goodness does this boy love a good balloon.  Anytime we are in the grocery store, walmart, etc. and he sees a balloon, it's all over.  He starts reaching for it and gasping because he's so excited.  Every now and then we go to party city (aka balloon heaven) and get a balloon.  Best thing 85 cents can buy in Kason's eyes.

5. Aquariums.  I know, random, but I took Kason to the zoo on his birthday and he was completely mesmerized by the waters building.  Because of this I decided that Kason would probably really love to go to an aquarium.  Over my spring break, we took a trip to the Newport Aquarium.  Sure enough, he was in awe of what he saw.  It's so neat to see things through his innocent, curious eyes.  We will definitely be making many more zoo and aquarium trips in the future!

6. Swinging.  Although he's not so big on swinging at the park, he loves to be swung by people.  He just laughs and laughs.  We'll swing him all he wants, after all, he's only in the 10th percentile for weight! :)

That's what our sweet little boy has been up to lately.  One of these days I'll get around to his 11 and 12 month post.  You know, when I'm no longer busy. :)

insecurity and growth

The two words that I chose to title this blog post are the two words I feel most adequately describe the beginning steps of starting my photography business.  As I blogged about here, I have always struggled with insecurity which is one of the biggest reasons I put off starting a business for so long.  Now that I am taking baby steps toward making a career out of photography, at times that insecurity almost overtakes me and makes me want to throw in the towel and be done with it.  That's when I have to take a step back and remember my #1 goal when taking this plunge, growth.

Photographers are everywhere.  I think this has become much more apparent since I started my business.  I love and admire several photographers in the area and absolutely love seeing their work pop up on my Facebook newsfeed.  I've also discovered some photographers in the area that are in the beginning stages like me and I really enjoy watching them grow as photographers.  Along with the excitement I get when seeing other photograhpers' beautiful images comes a great deal of insecurity.  This is where my problem lies.  When I see those images on my newsfeed I think to myself.."They are SO much better than I am."  This causes me to start feeling defeated and insignificant.  I get overcome with feels of jealousy and wants.  I get overcome with how many "likes" my facebook page has, what other photographers charge, the kind of cameras other photographers have.  And that leads me in a downward spiral of insecurity and jealousy.  It also leads me somewhere else.  A dead end road.

It's easy to get consumed with the negative.  So I have to make a conscious effort to focus on the positives.  That's where the other word in the title comes in...growth.  It's all about the growth.  That was the most important and detrimental goal when deciding to make my hobby a business.  This is where my glimmer of hope comes from.  I love to look back at photos I took 1+ years ago.  In that time I feel like I have learned so much and am improving.  I can tell I am improving.  And that puts it all into perspective.  If I keep growing and improving, I should have no insecurities.  Ok, maybe no is a bit exaggerated.  After all, I am human.  I will always have feelings of insecurity, but when I think about my goal, I can put those insecurities to rest for the most part.  I wanted to share some pictures that I've taken in the last couple of years in comparison to some of my recent work.  This is not to say that I don't love the images that are older, because I do.  I just want to show the growth and improvement I feel like I've made.

This was one of the first sessions I did.  It was for my niece's 2 year old photos.  She will be 4 in August.

This photo was from my nephew's sixth month photo session in May of 2011.  Sidenote - SO thankful for my brother and sister-in-law whom were the first people to ask me to do photos and have always been so supportive. :)

This was from the summer of 2011.  This was from my first family session and I had NO idea what I was doing!!

This was a session at the end of summer 2011.

These sessions took place in November of 2011.

And here are some of the photos from my most recent sessions.

I hope you can see the improvement like I can.  This is what keeps me grounded.  I will always strive for growth and improvement.  Along with those things, I have a few other new goals in mind.  I'm going to list them so that in a few months I can come back to this post and see what I have accomplished.

Spring/summer 2012 goals:

1. Create a website/blog devoted to my photography business.

2. Work with a graphic designer to come up with a logo and other details for my website.

3. Become more comfortable with candid family shots.

4. Show improvement with newborn sessions.  I'm going to get a lot of practice with this in the coming months.  I love these sessions and want to learn more about how to be an awesome newborn photographer.  

 Thank you for listening and letting me be real with you.

just the two of us

This weekend Duane's best friend got married.  The wedding was in Ohio, so Duane and I decided to make a weekend out of it.  I finally got up the courage to leave Kason over night for the first time.  This is a big deal people!  Even bigger, it wasn't only one night..it was TWO!  I was very  proud of myself.  I only teared up once and that was at the reception when I put green beans on my plate at dinner.  Green beans are Kason's favorite...why that made me tear up, who knows!  I'm an emotional wreck, in case you didn't know. :)

The wedding was BEAUTIFUL.  Duane was one of 3 best men and the whole weekend was just perfect.  The reception was at a beautiful venue and the food was some of the best I've had at a reception.  We danced our hearts out and enjoyed a night being baby free!  It was a weird feeling not having a baby on my hip and diaper bag on my shoulder, but it was so nice and much needed.  Spending one-on-one time is so important for our marriage, and I'm glad we were able to reconnect this weekend.

  We are so happy for Becca and Isaiah.  They are great friends and a big part of our life and it was so exciting to be a part of their wedding. We wish them only the best and can't wait to spend time with them as a MARRIED couple!  Here are some pictures from the weekend...



{officially Mr. and Mrs. Kottke!}


{Told you, beautiful!}



{Super cute favors.  There were coffee beans inside!}

{Martini mashed potatoes..so cute!}

{Best men speech}




{These boys are so weird! :)}

{Friends for a long time!}

{The California boys joined in!}


{We're pointing to her stomach because she's 13 weeks pregnant!  Yay for babies! :)}

It's weird to think about, but aside from my sisters, Isaiah and Becca we the last of our close friends to get married.  A few years ago we were at a wedding every other weekend.  Now, it seems like we're always heading to the hospital to visit of friends that are having babies!  Such a fun and blessed time in our lives.

It was a fabulous weekend!  It was good to be with my husband, but I was SO glad to see my sweet baby today! :)