It's been said many times that I am a worrier. I worry about every little detail of my life. It seems like a good majority of my time is spent worrying about what the next day will bring. Worrying about my health, husband, job, dog, family...you name it, I've most likely worried about it at some point in my life. Pathetic, yes, but sometimes the truth is just plain pathetic. This is something about myself that I would really love to change. I envy those whom walk through life care free and don't seem to ever have an ounce of stress on their mind. Oh, how I envy them. Whether it be their trust in God that contributes to their attitude, or just not caring, I'm not sure. But I envy them. That's why I know God gave me Duane, for the most part, he's a pretty care-free guy which is such a blessing because if he was a ball of stress like me, well we'd be a wreck!
It's strange, because you would think that finding out I was pregnant would cause a heart attack in the heart of a worrier. For some reason, this didn't happen to me. Now, that's not to say that there have not been worried thoughts in my mind in the past 10 weeks. There have been many. The second that pregnancy test showed me a clear, blue plus sign, my world was turned upside down. My poor husband practically had to hold me up due to my emotions. I felt like my life was happening in front of me, and I was frozen in time, not believing that what was happening was reality. I cried because being pregnant wasn't part of our plan. Not at this point anyway. I cried because I knew my time alone with Duane would soon be ending. I cried because I have no idea how to be a mama to an infant, 2, 10 or 18 year old. I cried for lots of reasons. Completely selfish, absolutely...and even harder to admit. The biggest reason I cried and am still coming to terms with, is the unknown. The worry and fear of the unknown.
I have absolutely no idea what this baby will bring in the next year of our life. For that matter, the next 20+ years of our life. Nor do I have any control. Yikes. Fearful words for this worrier. However, believe it or not after the initial shock of finding out that I was going to be a mama of a sweet, precious baby, my worry has strangely, disappeared. I have felt oddly at peace with the way things are. Do I worry about this baby growing inside of me, of course. I worry about the babies development and health. Even at the size of 4 inches and 2 1/2 ounces, I love this baby more than words can describe so of course I worry about him or her. That being said, I feel very at peace with my life and especially Baby G. Coincidence? I think not.
One of the reasons I hate worrying is because I know that God knows the plans for my life. He knows that I am going to do long before I do it. Knowing this, it's hard for me to understand why I worry so much. The maker of the universe loves me and knows the plans for my babies life and my life, yet I worry. Sounds completely and utterly crazy to me. But putting all my faith in his hands is easier said than done. That's the one of the reasons God has formed this baby inside of me, to put my so called faith to practice.
The girls in my small group are reading a book called Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. In the book Shane talks about a time that God "wrecked his life completely". I can think of a couple of times that God has done this in my life. When he has said to me "What in the world are you doing?" and caused me to take a look at my life as a lover of Jesus, and revaluate the way I am living. However, over the past couple of months, I would say this pregnancy has "wrecked my life". Now before you blow up and say, "How can you say that about Baby G?!", let me explain.
I certainly do not mean that Baby G is recking my life. He or she already is a blessing beyond words and I am fully aware that this small apple sized person was put into my life for a big reason. I think God looked at my life, my worrying and distrust in him and said to me "What are you doing? How can you worry when I am in complete control?" How can I stand to worry so much about my life when God says to me..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11)? This is a bible verse I have always held close due to my constant state of panic, but let me tell you something, I have CLUNG to this verse in the last few months. I have absolutely no control over this babies health or development at this point. God knows that, and I think that's part of the reason he decided now is the right time for me to become a mama. He gave me something that is slowly forcing me to stop being so selfish and worrying about myself. He gave me something that has showed me that I simply must put ALL of my faith in him throughout the next 9 months 100 years. This is how God is wrecking my life right now. He is helping me understand that I need to completely give up control, and follow him. Once again, much easier said than done.
My faith in God is the reason I am at peace. It is the reason I can sleep at night even though the next year of my life seems blurry and mysterious. If it wasn't for him, these next 9 months would send my into the insane asylum for sure. He is the one that is caring for this tiny baby living inside of me. He is forming this little guy or girl just the way he wants them. I don't know how people that don't know God go through things like pregnancy. It baffles me. Prayer for this baby is what brings me peace and gets me through the day. I am so glad that God has given me Baby G. Even though this sweet baby is still inside of me, he or she is slowly changing my heart, mind, and life. A much better way to put it than "wrecking my life." :)
“And He took the children in his arms, put His hands on them and blessed them.” Mark 10:16
