insufficient

Being a mom has been the most rewarding thing I have ever experienced.  When Kason took his first steps, I was more proud of him than I was of myself the day I received my college diploma.  Watching him learn new things makes my heart more full that I ever imagined possible.  I love every second of it.  

The loving part is easy, it's the other parts of being a mom that are hard for me.  One of my biggest struggles?  Comparisons.  Comparisons to other moms to be exact.  I read an article this week about how in the world of blogs, Pinterest, and Facebook, we as moms are often left feeling insufficient.  To be honest, I have stopped looking at Pinterest all together because it overwhelms me.  I feel like I am not a good wife or mother, because I don't cook all of the amazing recipes I see on Pinterest.  It's an unhealthy feeling, so I just stopped making myself feel guilty.  It sounds silly, but I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that feels this way.  Seeing Facebook posts or blog post from stay at home moms makes me feel guilty.  I feel like because I wasn't able to spend the day at the zoo with my son, I am not as good of a mom.  Silly, I know.  I wish my mind didn't always go there.

Today was one of those days, I spent the day with 26 sixth graders and felt like I was ignored 75% of the day.  When I'm already feeling down about being away from Kason all day, it's not a good idea to look at Facebook or blogs.  I immediately am sent into tears thinking about the lack of time I'm spending with my child when other moms spend their whole days at home.  Now, please know I'm not saying this because I want to have a pity party for myself.  No time for that.

I'm saying it because on days like these, I have to remind myself that I am doing MY best.  Yes, I am working for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, but right now that is what is best for my family.  It's a decision we made and we are working through it.  During the day Kason is with people that love him unconditionally and probably doesn't even realize I'm gone.  I leave work at work, and focus all of my attention on Kason when I get home.  I try to make the 4-5 hours a day I see him special and full of love.  It's been said many times before, quality before quantity.  

I hope this helps my mama friends (esp. the working ones) out there.  The only person to compare yourself to is yourself.  Don't let anyone else make you feel like a bad mom.  As long as your are loving your child to the best of your ability, you are doing an amazing job.

I mean, how could you not love this little boy to pieces?!

:)

All things kason

Busy.  That's a great word to describe what our lives are like lately.  I think everyone always thinks they are in a busy stage in life (at least I do).  When I was in high school I was "busy" with all kinds of things.  In college I was "busy" writing papers and student teaching.  When I got married I was "busy" with married life.  All of those stages of life hold nothing on the busyness I am currently feeling.  Teaching, photography, and most importantly beign a wife and mama have me all in a tizzy!  I'm sure in 10 years when I'm in the stage of life that Kason will have an athletic event everynight, I will look back at this post and laugh.

Moving on...

Because of all of the busyness, I haven't done Kason's 11 or 12 month post.  You know, since he's now 13 months.  And I don't have time to type those posts at the moment, so I just thought I would fill you in on some cute and funny things Kason has been up to. I know, you're on the edge of your seats! :)

Some of his current faves..

1. Reading.  This boy LOVES LOVE LOVES to read!  I have never seen a 1 year old sit so still.  A couple of weeks ago he started bringing books to me.  He would hand them to me and then dance around until I picked him up.  We would sit and read them but he would get bored in the middle and move on to something else.  Well, for about the last week, he's been bringing me a book, handing it to me, and plopping down on my lap.  He kicks his little legs in anticiplation for me to start reading.  If I have something else in my hand he takes it and throws it and replaces it with his book.  Have I mentioned I am a teacher?  Have I mentioned I love children's books?  This MELTS MY HEART!  Kason's current faves are Pat the Bunny and Pat the Puppy.  We literally read them 15 times a day.  He just thinks they are great.  And I think he is pretty great!

2. Spinning.  Kason has a slight obsession with spinning around in circles.  He does it until he's so dizzy he falls over.  It is quite funny to watch him try to hold his balance.  Tonight Duane and I were spinning with Kason in his bedroom and Kaia came in and started chasing her tail and in turn spinning in circles.  Kason thought that it was hilarious.  Yes, we all spin around until we get dizzy.  It was a fun family time.  Don't judge us. :)

3. Sitting.  My grandma recovered a little foam chair for Kason.  I thought to myself.."the kid never sits still, there's no way he'll sit in a chair."  Wrong.  He thinks that chair is the best thing since sliced bread.  He climbs in it forwards (he hasn't realized he's doing it the hard way) and then sits and dangles his feet over the edge.  Sometimes he even lays his head back and looks like he's a lounging old man!  So funny!

4. Balloons.  O my goodness does this boy love a good balloon.  Anytime we are in the grocery store, walmart, etc. and he sees a balloon, it's all over.  He starts reaching for it and gasping because he's so excited.  Every now and then we go to party city (aka balloon heaven) and get a balloon.  Best thing 85 cents can buy in Kason's eyes.

5. Aquariums.  I know, random, but I took Kason to the zoo on his birthday and he was completely mesmerized by the waters building.  Because of this I decided that Kason would probably really love to go to an aquarium.  Over my spring break, we took a trip to the Newport Aquarium.  Sure enough, he was in awe of what he saw.  It's so neat to see things through his innocent, curious eyes.  We will definitely be making many more zoo and aquarium trips in the future!

6. Swinging.  Although he's not so big on swinging at the park, he loves to be swung by people.  He just laughs and laughs.  We'll swing him all he wants, after all, he's only in the 10th percentile for weight! :)

That's what our sweet little boy has been up to lately.  One of these days I'll get around to his 11 and 12 month post.  You know, when I'm no longer busy. :)

insecurity and growth

The two words that I chose to title this blog post are the two words I feel most adequately describe the beginning steps of starting my photography business.  As I blogged about here, I have always struggled with insecurity which is one of the biggest reasons I put off starting a business for so long.  Now that I am taking baby steps toward making a career out of photography, at times that insecurity almost overtakes me and makes me want to throw in the towel and be done with it.  That's when I have to take a step back and remember my #1 goal when taking this plunge, growth.

Photographers are everywhere.  I think this has become much more apparent since I started my business.  I love and admire several photographers in the area and absolutely love seeing their work pop up on my Facebook newsfeed.  I've also discovered some photographers in the area that are in the beginning stages like me and I really enjoy watching them grow as photographers.  Along with the excitement I get when seeing other photograhpers' beautiful images comes a great deal of insecurity.  This is where my problem lies.  When I see those images on my newsfeed I think to myself.."They are SO much better than I am."  This causes me to start feeling defeated and insignificant.  I get overcome with feels of jealousy and wants.  I get overcome with how many "likes" my facebook page has, what other photographers charge, the kind of cameras other photographers have.  And that leads me in a downward spiral of insecurity and jealousy.  It also leads me somewhere else.  A dead end road.

It's easy to get consumed with the negative.  So I have to make a conscious effort to focus on the positives.  That's where the other word in the title comes in...growth.  It's all about the growth.  That was the most important and detrimental goal when deciding to make my hobby a business.  This is where my glimmer of hope comes from.  I love to look back at photos I took 1+ years ago.  In that time I feel like I have learned so much and am improving.  I can tell I am improving.  And that puts it all into perspective.  If I keep growing and improving, I should have no insecurities.  Ok, maybe no is a bit exaggerated.  After all, I am human.  I will always have feelings of insecurity, but when I think about my goal, I can put those insecurities to rest for the most part.  I wanted to share some pictures that I've taken in the last couple of years in comparison to some of my recent work.  This is not to say that I don't love the images that are older, because I do.  I just want to show the growth and improvement I feel like I've made.

This was one of the first sessions I did.  It was for my niece's 2 year old photos.  She will be 4 in August.

This photo was from my nephew's sixth month photo session in May of 2011.  Sidenote - SO thankful for my brother and sister-in-law whom were the first people to ask me to do photos and have always been so supportive. :)

This was from the summer of 2011.  This was from my first family session and I had NO idea what I was doing!!

This was a session at the end of summer 2011.

These sessions took place in November of 2011.

And here are some of the photos from my most recent sessions.

I hope you can see the improvement like I can.  This is what keeps me grounded.  I will always strive for growth and improvement.  Along with those things, I have a few other new goals in mind.  I'm going to list them so that in a few months I can come back to this post and see what I have accomplished.

Spring/summer 2012 goals:

1. Create a website/blog devoted to my photography business.

2. Work with a graphic designer to come up with a logo and other details for my website.

3. Become more comfortable with candid family shots.

4. Show improvement with newborn sessions.  I'm going to get a lot of practice with this in the coming months.  I love these sessions and want to learn more about how to be an awesome newborn photographer.  

 Thank you for listening and letting me be real with you.

just the two of us

This weekend Duane's best friend got married.  The wedding was in Ohio, so Duane and I decided to make a weekend out of it.  I finally got up the courage to leave Kason over night for the first time.  This is a big deal people!  Even bigger, it wasn't only one night..it was TWO!  I was very  proud of myself.  I only teared up once and that was at the reception when I put green beans on my plate at dinner.  Green beans are Kason's favorite...why that made me tear up, who knows!  I'm an emotional wreck, in case you didn't know. :)

The wedding was BEAUTIFUL.  Duane was one of 3 best men and the whole weekend was just perfect.  The reception was at a beautiful venue and the food was some of the best I've had at a reception.  We danced our hearts out and enjoyed a night being baby free!  It was a weird feeling not having a baby on my hip and diaper bag on my shoulder, but it was so nice and much needed.  Spending one-on-one time is so important for our marriage, and I'm glad we were able to reconnect this weekend.

  We are so happy for Becca and Isaiah.  They are great friends and a big part of our life and it was so exciting to be a part of their wedding. We wish them only the best and can't wait to spend time with them as a MARRIED couple!  Here are some pictures from the weekend...



{officially Mr. and Mrs. Kottke!}


{Told you, beautiful!}



{Super cute favors.  There were coffee beans inside!}

{Martini mashed potatoes..so cute!}

{Best men speech}




{These boys are so weird! :)}

{Friends for a long time!}

{The California boys joined in!}


{We're pointing to her stomach because she's 13 weeks pregnant!  Yay for babies! :)}

It's weird to think about, but aside from my sisters, Isaiah and Becca we the last of our close friends to get married.  A few years ago we were at a wedding every other weekend.  Now, it seems like we're always heading to the hospital to visit of friends that are having babies!  Such a fun and blessed time in our lives.

It was a fabulous weekend!  It was good to be with my husband, but I was SO glad to see my sweet baby today! :)