god's timing

I'm not a patient person.  If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that good and well by now.  I wish I had more patience.  I really do.  It's weird that both of my careers, teaching and photography, tend to require a lot of patience.  I've never struggled with patience in those areas and I've often wondered why.  Working with a struggling 6th grader that is unmotivated can be super stressful, and requires massive amounts of patience.  Posing a newborn that doesn't want to sleep can be very difficult, and patience is for sure needed.  I've never found myself searching for patience in these areas. It was always there.  

Something occurred to my today as I prayed for God's wisdom and guidance.  In teaching and in photography, I don't lack patience because I TRUST God to give it to me.  I know he will always provide what I need, and I feel confident in that.  I guess I sort of feel like I have some control over those situations, so trusting him for patience isn't hard.  I've found that it's in those situations I can't control that I struggle to hand over the reigns, and trust that God knows what he's doing. 

I struggle to trust that God knows what he's doing?  WHAT? 

 I can't even believe I just typed that, but it's honestly how my irrational mind works.  If I can't see the big picture, I struggle to trust.  I've tried and tried, but I can't figure out is why I struggle.  If I look back at the last 26 years of my life, God has ALWAYS known that path I'm supposed to take, and has always guided me in the direction.  Never can I look back and say..."Man, God really let me down that time."  That's just not that case.  At times it's seemed like he's forgotten about me, or has ignored me, but then I realize that there was just a different path I needed to take.  Was it always the easier path?  Absolutely not.  Usually, it was the more difficult path I needed to take to learn a lesson, and that's why it's seemed like he's let me down.  Once I can see the big picture, I know he was right there with me, guiding me and loving me.  He's good at that.  He's much better at controlling my life than I am, that's for darn sure. :)

I almost don't even want to blog about the stressful things going on right now, because I don't at all want to seem whinny.  However, I think other mommas can certainly relate to my stress, and help me through it.  So, here's where I'm struggling...

We've been anxiously awaiting some quotes from our architect regarding our house renovations.  Since I am just 3.5 months away from my due date, we've been so excited to start our addition so that we can make room for our baby girl.  Well, the quotes came back, and they weren't at all what we were expecting or what was in our original budget.  Not even in the same neighborhood.  Not even in the same state.  I may or may not have had an emotional breakdown when Duane told me this.  I know it's no one's fault.  The fact is, the renovation would simply out price our us of neighborhood, and it's just a lot more money than we feel like we should put into the house.  It's money we won't get back, and that seems foolish to do at this point.  Needless to say, it's not the news we were hoping for just a few months before we welcome a new baby into our family.

So, this has left me stressed, overwhelmed, and struggling to trust God.  We have no bedroom for our girl, and that stresses me out.  The thought of putting our house up for sale, selling it in and moving in 3.5 months seems so unlikely, I almost don't want to try.  The thought of moving when I'm 8 months pregnant overwhelms me to no extent.  The though of leaving the house that I brought Kason home to makes me want to sob uncontrollably.  I don't want to move, I want to stay here.  {Insert eye-roll for a whinny girl here.}

I'm just struggling to see God's plan, even though I know it's there and I know it's perfect.

So, in the midst of this stress, I find so much comfort in this verse.  I know it's cliche, but I know the power of these words in my life: 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11

I have been repeating this verse over and over today and reminding myself of the beautiful things in my life.  I have no reason to worry, and have every reason to be thankful.  I have a home.  So my girl doesn't have a room, she'll be in our room for a while anyways, and we'll make it work.  So there are toys taking over my living room, and we feel cramped.  Shouldn't I be thankful that my son (and daughter for that matter) has toys to play with?  That he has a warm home?  Perspective is always so important to me in times like these.

Above all else, I'm thankful that I have a husband that remains calm no matter what.  I'm positive that is one of the reasons God chose him for me.  I'm so blessed to have friends that will pray with me, and help in anyway possible.  And most of all, I'm thankful for a God that always loves me and watches over me. I trust fully in him, even when the path seems unclear.  How could I complain about anything?

Thanks for letting me vent, sorry if I sounded whinny. :)

wordless wednesday

24 weeks {baby g #2}

Today I'm 24 weeks pregnant with baby girl!  I know I say it ever post, but it seems like these weeks are just flying by.  We are so busy, that I feel like time is slipping right by me.  Before I know it, I'll be 30 weeks!  So crazy!

Pregnancy Updates:

Baby G's size: Baby girl (still nameless) weighs a little over a pound and is almost a foot long (about the length of an ear of corn).  I feel like just in the last week she has grown a LOT.  She is for sure taking up more space, and my other organs are starting to get squished. :)

My size: Not sure what I weigh, our scaled is broken.  Like I said, she's growing like crazy.  I've noticed within that last couple of weeks that it's getting much harder to do common tasks, like bend down to pick up Kason's toys.  Or standing up while holding Kason.  I can tell that my stomach just feels heavier, so I know I'm getting bigger!  I'm only wearing maternity pants now, but still sticking to mainly my regular shirts.

Movement: This baby is really starting to move!  I think that as she gets bigger, my anterior placenta becomes less of an issue.  She is still most active in the morning and late at night, but I now can feel her at other times throughout the day.  I've noticed that if I push lightly on my stomach, I can get her to move, which makes me feel much better if I'm ever questioning her kicks.  

Most excited thing: Obviously, I want this baby to stay inside of me for AT LEAST another 14 weeks, making it to 24 weeks is always a relief seeing that it's considered viability week.  The baby would still be very tiny if born now, but her chances of surviving outside of the womb have gone up significantly.  

Most annoying thing: As she makes her scent upwards, I can tell my lungs and starting to get squished. I get out of breath and find myself searching for air much more often.  I've been sleeping better, so that's a relief, but laying down is still uncomfortable especially on my back.

Cravings:  I honestly haven't craved much lately.  I eat a few bites of anything and get full right away.

Sickness: Haven't been sick at all recently!  Still feel nauseous some days, but thankful for no throwing up!

Next appointment: I go back to the doctor April 11.  Hopefully it'll be warm by then!

Earlier on in this pregnancy, I thought I was carrying this baby so much higher.  However, this week it looks like Kason was higher, and I was actually a little bigger?!  Who knows!  Maybe it was just because I'm wearing black this week.  So fun to see the differences. :)

wordless wednesday

*2*

Kason turned two this weekend!  I knew that since his birthday was on a Saturday this year, I wanted to do something special with him.  Kason LOVES "choo-choos", airplanes, and basketball.  Those are his favorite things by far, so I knew I wanted to do something that had to do with 1 or all of those things.  We did some research, and finally decided to make a day trip to Chicago to the Museum of Science and Industry.  I hadn't been there since I was a kid, and they had a huge train exhibit that I knew Kason would love.  Day trips with 2 year olds can be challenging to say the least, but I'm all about getting out and seeing and doing, so we sucked it up and made it a fun day!

We left around 9 (an hour later then planner..that's life though) and headed to Chicago.  It took us about 3 hours to get there.  Kason was a trooper in the car.  Although, he was very high maintenance and wanted to watch Mickey over and over again, he never cried once.  He also never slept, which kind of stunk because he was tired when we got to the museum.  He was just so excited...he kept saying "choo-choos, waer (Lake Michigan), cited (excited)!"  I think he didn't want to miss anything, so he forced himself to stay awake. :)

We stayed at the museum for a couple of hours.  We saw choo-choos, airplains, tractors, and lots of other really cool stuff.  Kason was SO good, considering he hadn't had a nap, or lunch.  We realized that about 2 hours was his limit, but that's ok.  Next time we'll spend the night and get to the museum much earlier so we can see more.  I could just see the wheels in Kason's head spinning as he looked at each exhibit.  That made the long drive, and all the back pain from walking so worth it!

{This wasn't even HALF of the train exhibit!!!}

The museum is right on Lake Michigan, so the day before we told Kason he would get to see lots of water.  He loves water, and is just infatuated by it.  Turn out it was 30 degrees, so we literally walked out to the lake, took a picture, and went back inside.  So. Cold.

After the museum, we headed to one of Duane's favorite deeps dish pizza places, Giordaon's.  By this point it was 3:30, and we were all starving.  Kason waited pretty patiently for the pizza to cook, and had some spaghetti while he waited. :)

I snapped a couple of pictures of Kason running down the street before we left.  That's how you get a picture of a 2 year old, you chase them! :)

Sweet boy FINALLY passed out on the way home, and slept the entire 3 hours!  It was a busy, jam packed day, but SO worth it.  I love making these memories with Kason and Duane.  I can't wait to make many more with a new addition in a few months. :)

my sweet TWO year old

Dear Kason,

        I cannot believe I am typing this, but today you are TWO years old.  Two years ago today, at 4:45 p.m. I held you for the first time.  Two years ago today, you made me a momma.  Two years ago, I learned what it was like to have my heart live outside of my body.  Two years ago, I fell in love with your sweet, 7 lb. 3 oz. body.  I couldn't believe how much I loved you, just in the first seconds of your life.  That love has kept growing and growing and I can say that today, believe it or not, I love you more than I did two years ago.  You, my sweet boy, make my life so, so joyful.

        I'll be honest with you, this birthday is a hard one for your momma.  Two seems SO old to me.  Two is like a toddler, not a baby anymore.  You are turning into such a little boy, and as much as I love watching you grow, there is a part of me that is so sad that you are no longer a baby.  I am so glad that you still give me plenty of snuggles, and that you still cry for momma when you are sad.  I love that you still rock with me before bedtime, and that when you meet new people you burry your head into my shoulder. Those things are still very much a baby part of you.  But the other part?  The other part of you is a little boy.  A little boy that could watch and play basketball for hours on end.  A little boy that could drive cars and fly "airnanes" all around the house for hours.  A little boy that love "pupcakes" and "coo-ies".  A little boy that has lots of opinions and is very strong willed.  You are growing from a sweet baby, to an even sweeter, crazier, busier toddler.

       At 2 years old, your personality is contagious.  You are shy around new people, but I think you got your momma's and daddy's outgoing personalities.  You love to make people laugh, and you make me laugh so hard all day long with your crazy dance moves and daredevil stunts.  You love to play with your friends, and love to chase around your best friend of all, Kaia.  You love to be on-the-go, which is good because so does your momma.  You love bikes and anything that has to do with sports.  You are SUCH an active little guy, and you make my days so much fun.  I can see so much of your daddy in your personality, and that makes my heart so happy, because I know how much fun your daddy is.  He can make any boring situation fun, and I'm so glad that you inherited that trait from him.  As much as you are like your daddy, you are so much like you momma too.  You are very strong willed and stubborn.  You can thank me for both of those characteristics. :)  Those things can be hard at times, but I'm glad you have a strong willed personality.  I'm glad you'll stand up for yourself when you don't think something is right.  I know that right now it's just little things like protesting naps, but some day I hope that strong willed personality will lead you to stand up for yourself in all situations.  I can't wait to continue to watch your little (ok, BIG) personality grow and change.

       So today, on your second birthday, I want you to know how exciting it is to watch you grow.  I am  so glad that God chose me to be your momma for the time that you are here on earth with us.  I have to remind myself sometimes that you are God's child, but I'm so glad he entrusted us to raise you.  You have changed me so much in two years and blessed me more than you will ever know.  This year will be filled with changes for our family, as we welcome your baby sister into our lives, but don't you worry, there is plenty of love to go around.  Your sister will be forever grateful to you, for you are the one that taught me what it's like to love unconditionally.  The one that taught me what it means to be called "momma".  I am so excited for your next year of life.  I know you will grow so much in the next year, and I also know that my love for you will continue to grow.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Happy second birthday, Kason Asher!

Love,
Your momma

{minutes old}

{1 year old}

{2 year old} 

22 weeks {baby g #2}

I'm 22 weeks pregnant with this sweet (still nameless) baby girl.  How is it possible that in just 18 weeks or less she will be in our arms?  I am trying my best to savor every moment of this pregnancy.  The tiny kicks, the food cravings, the sleepless nights...trying to savor and enjoy it all.  This time that I get to keep my girl all to myself is so short, so I want to make sure I don't ever wish it away.

Pregnancy Updates:

Baby G's size: She weighs about a pound and is 11 in. long (about the length of a spaghetti squash).  

My size: Today at the doctor I weighed 119 lbs.  The puts my +5 pounds for this pregnancy.  That doesn't sound like much, but the fact that I weighed 125 when I DELIVERED Kason is a little scary.  Apparently I'll have more weight to lose after this baby.  My shirts are slowly getting smaller and smaller.  I have a limited about of clothing I can wear, but I'm trying to avoid buying any more winter clothes since I know it's going to warm up soon.  I also can't find any maternity shirts that are small enough, just like with my last pregnancy.  Apparently short people don't get pregnant...ha!

Movement: So thankful that I've been feeling lots more movement recently.  She is still most active last at night/4 am in the morning, but I have been feeling her shortly after I wake up, and then periodically throughout the day.  I believe she is laying diagonal across my belly.  I feel her down near my pelvis, but I've also been feeling movement right below my ribs.  I can tell she is getting much longer, since these movements are simultaneous, I know she is taking up much more space.  I *think* her head is up higher and her feet at low.  Can't tell for sure, but she moves around like crazy at night, and I think it's her feet that are going crazy by my pelvis!  So fun to feel her move all around!

Most excited thing: I picked out all of the fabric for her quilt, and am starting to slowly put together ideas for her room.  I can't wait to see the quilt all finished!  Since she doesn't have a room yet, I'm hoping to just gather all of the stuff for her room and have it all ready for whenever the renovation is finished.  It was also very exciting to hear her heartbeat this morning. :)

Most annoying thing: Heart burn is still pretty bad.  I've also started having a lot of back pain.  I expected this, but it's still not pleasant.  Sometimes baby girl gets her head lodged into my ribs and OUCH, that is painful.  

Cravings:  I honestly haven't craved much lately.  I eat a few bites of anything and get full right away.

Sickness: I'm almost afraid to say it, but I think the nausea is gone for the most part.  I still feel a little sick at night, but the Zofran makes it go away pretty quickly.  Hopefully it'll stay away..at least for a little bit!

Next appointment: I went to the doctor today!  Everything was measuring right on track, and sweet girl's heart rate was in the 150s.  I'll go back in a month, and then start going every 2 weeks.  I can't believe that I'm getting close to trimester 3...crazy!