god's timing

I'm not a patient person.  If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that good and well by now.  I wish I had more patience.  I really do.  It's weird that both of my careers, teaching and photography, tend to require a lot of patience.  I've never struggled with patience in those areas and I've often wondered why.  Working with a struggling 6th grader that is unmotivated can be super stressful, and requires massive amounts of patience.  Posing a newborn that doesn't want to sleep can be very difficult, and patience is for sure needed.  I've never found myself searching for patience in these areas. It was always there.  

Something occurred to my today as I prayed for God's wisdom and guidance.  In teaching and in photography, I don't lack patience because I TRUST God to give it to me.  I know he will always provide what I need, and I feel confident in that.  I guess I sort of feel like I have some control over those situations, so trusting him for patience isn't hard.  I've found that it's in those situations I can't control that I struggle to hand over the reigns, and trust that God knows what he's doing. 

I struggle to trust that God knows what he's doing?  WHAT? 

 I can't even believe I just typed that, but it's honestly how my irrational mind works.  If I can't see the big picture, I struggle to trust.  I've tried and tried, but I can't figure out is why I struggle.  If I look back at the last 26 years of my life, God has ALWAYS known that path I'm supposed to take, and has always guided me in the direction.  Never can I look back and say..."Man, God really let me down that time."  That's just not that case.  At times it's seemed like he's forgotten about me, or has ignored me, but then I realize that there was just a different path I needed to take.  Was it always the easier path?  Absolutely not.  Usually, it was the more difficult path I needed to take to learn a lesson, and that's why it's seemed like he's let me down.  Once I can see the big picture, I know he was right there with me, guiding me and loving me.  He's good at that.  He's much better at controlling my life than I am, that's for darn sure. :)

I almost don't even want to blog about the stressful things going on right now, because I don't at all want to seem whinny.  However, I think other mommas can certainly relate to my stress, and help me through it.  So, here's where I'm struggling...

We've been anxiously awaiting some quotes from our architect regarding our house renovations.  Since I am just 3.5 months away from my due date, we've been so excited to start our addition so that we can make room for our baby girl.  Well, the quotes came back, and they weren't at all what we were expecting or what was in our original budget.  Not even in the same neighborhood.  Not even in the same state.  I may or may not have had an emotional breakdown when Duane told me this.  I know it's no one's fault.  The fact is, the renovation would simply out price our us of neighborhood, and it's just a lot more money than we feel like we should put into the house.  It's money we won't get back, and that seems foolish to do at this point.  Needless to say, it's not the news we were hoping for just a few months before we welcome a new baby into our family.

So, this has left me stressed, overwhelmed, and struggling to trust God.  We have no bedroom for our girl, and that stresses me out.  The thought of putting our house up for sale, selling it in and moving in 3.5 months seems so unlikely, I almost don't want to try.  The thought of moving when I'm 8 months pregnant overwhelms me to no extent.  The though of leaving the house that I brought Kason home to makes me want to sob uncontrollably.  I don't want to move, I want to stay here.  {Insert eye-roll for a whinny girl here.}

I'm just struggling to see God's plan, even though I know it's there and I know it's perfect.

So, in the midst of this stress, I find so much comfort in this verse.  I know it's cliche, but I know the power of these words in my life: 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11

I have been repeating this verse over and over today and reminding myself of the beautiful things in my life.  I have no reason to worry, and have every reason to be thankful.  I have a home.  So my girl doesn't have a room, she'll be in our room for a while anyways, and we'll make it work.  So there are toys taking over my living room, and we feel cramped.  Shouldn't I be thankful that my son (and daughter for that matter) has toys to play with?  That he has a warm home?  Perspective is always so important to me in times like these.

Above all else, I'm thankful that I have a husband that remains calm no matter what.  I'm positive that is one of the reasons God chose him for me.  I'm so blessed to have friends that will pray with me, and help in anyway possible.  And most of all, I'm thankful for a God that always loves me and watches over me. I trust fully in him, even when the path seems unclear.  How could I complain about anything?

Thanks for letting me vent, sorry if I sounded whinny. :)