Sunday, March 21, 2010

Identity Crisis?

Ok, so maybe "identity crisis" is a bit of an exaggeration. However, I am having a tough time right now. As many of you know, I found out a couple of weeks ago that I don't have a teaching job next year. In November I took over a year long sabbatical position for a sixth grade teacher. I knew it was a temporary position, but I guess I was just trying to stay positive and hopeful that it would turn into a permanent position. Unfortunately, it will not be a permanent position, which leaves me without a job. This is hard for a few of reasons. First - I have gotten pretty comfortable where I am. I am starting to get in the "groove" of teaching sixth grade. It's hard to think about starting over in a new school, in a new grade, with new people. Ugh, the thought makes me cringe. Second - It is nearly impossible to find a teaching job (well, any job) right now. Teachers are being laid off, not hired. This leaves me to wonder, will I even be able to find a teaching job next year? And third - Do I even want to teach next year? This is probably the hardest part of what I am feeling right now. After all, I have wanted to be a teacher since I was 7. It is the only thing I have ever wanted to be (other than a stay-at-home mom..but that would require me having a baby). It is my dream. However, it is not all that I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. I love being with kids all day and I love teaching them. I do not love everything else that goes along with teaching. It's a hard feeling for me to put into words. It is even harder for me to admit. I don't want to think that I've failed at my dream. I hate even typing the word fail. Yuck! I just don't know if I'm cut out for this profession.

I am still trying to figure out what I want to do next year. Do I continue to do everything in my power to find a teaching job? A job that I will be the low man on the totem pole for the next few years and will be in danger of losing my job at the end of every school year. Do I continue to pursue my dream in hopes that it will continue to get better and better? Oh, I just don't know. All I know is that I love working with kids, so I will continue to do that in some way. I am interviewing to be a developmental therapist this week. Another job that involves kids that I think I would love. We will see.

I do know this much. Duane has a great job so no matter what happens next year we will be just fine. I know that we are much luckier than lots of other people in this country and world and for that I am very thankful. I often think about people throughout the world that have so little and think to myself, why did God choose to throw so many blessings my way? Despite these feelings I know that God has always provided for us and I know he will continue to do so. Right now I am just praying that God guide me in the right direction. I want to do what he wants me to do, and nothing else. I am trying not to worry about it, because that is not going to do any good. I just need to be patient (ha, I am so not patient) and let this play out. After all, God already knows what I am going to do and in that I find a lot of peace.

This verse always brings me peace since I am ALWAYS worrying!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Thanks you for letting me get my thoughts out in the open. I'm sure Duane is glad I did it, considering he's had to listen to me go on and on about this for the last few weeks! What a great husband! :)


  1. Oh Kel, I'm so sorry. I know finding direction can really be tough... I'm certainly praying for you honey!

  2. We need to talk about this...TOMORROW! Lay it all out for me then :)