thoughts on having TWO kids

I still can't believe I am going to be a momma to TWO!  Three years ago I would have never guessed I'd have two kids by the age of 26.  As excited as I am to give Kason a sibling, I have quite a bit of anxiety at the same time.  Maybe it's the hormones, or maybe it's just the fact that it's a big change..but I'm losing some sleep over this!   

So here are my thoughts.  you can tell me if I'm crazy, or if these are normal fears. :)

I won't lie, there are days where the thought of adding a second child to our family totally and completely freaks me out.  There are those days when Kason is a bear, and I think to myself..."I can't even handle one kid, how on earth will I handle TWO?"  And then I take a deep breath and remind myself that I was quite certain I wouldn't survive the first months at home with Kason..and I figured it out.  We learned how our lives looked as a family of three, and we will do the same when we turn to a family of four.

There are a few things that stress me out when thinking about having another baby.  Maybe some of my momma friends can shed some light for me and put my worries at ease.  Or freak me out even more.  Preferably the first option, but whatever!

My number one fear is the fact that I will no longer be devoting 100% of my attention to Kason.  He's been my only baby for almost 2 years, and pretty soon, he is going to have to share me.  Please know my heart when I say I am SO excited to have another baby, but the fact that less on my attention will go to Kason really makes my heart ache.  I know that I will still be able to spend a lot of time with Kason, after all, I'm home with him all day, but I think the fact that I will have a new baby that relies 100% on my really scares me.  I don't EVER want Kason to feel left out, or like I am giving the baby more attention, even though at times I will be.  In many ways, a baby will depend on me much more than my two year old, it's just how it is.  And that brings me to my next point...nursing.  

I'm planning on nursing this baby just like I did Kason.  I'm hoping to nurse for longer, actually, since I won't be working full time this time around.  Believe it or not, I am really looking forward to nursing baby #2.  You might remember that nursing Kason wasn't the walk in the park I had imagined (read about my breastfeeding adventures here).  There were many obstacles and I really wanted to give up multiple times.  Funny thing is, I never even questioned if I'd breastfeed my next baby.  I knew I would without a doubt, I am looking forward to actually knowing how to nurse this baby and not feeling so in the dark.  That being said, nursing takes A LOT of time.  At least it did with Kason.  He ate every 2.5 hours for about 3 months and took about 40 minutes total to eat.  That's a lot of time that Kason will have to find something else to do.  Unless I get really good and figure out how to nurse and play with a 2 year old, he's going to have to be independent for that time.  Right now, I picture my house being turned upside down while I nurse.  Kason doesn't watch TV for more than 2 minutes, and rarely sits still.  I'm trying to figure out how this will look when I'm spending a lot of time feeding a baby.  He will be older then, so I'm hoping to find some things to keep him occupied while I nurse.  I am determined to figure it out because I am determined to nurse this sweet baby.  It's important to me, as it is to the baby, so I will make it work.  Persistence will be key I think. :)

This goes along with nursing, but going out in public with two kids (one that's nursing) totally and completely freaks. me. out.  How will I nurse in public (I already am uncomfortable with this) with a 2 year old running around?  How will I hold a baby and chase Kason?  My silver-lining is that I see moms do it all the time, so obviously it's doable.  Just a learning experience.  If all else fails, there's always those leashes.  HA - JUST KIDDING! 

One of my last (I'm sure there are 100 more) concerns is balancing relationships between mom/dad and Kason/baby.  It is my thought that because I will be nursing a baby, I will most likely tend to the baby a lot of the time.  When Duane is home, he will play with Kason during feedings.  This will work great, but I think we have to be aware of bonding time.  Although it will be hard, I want Duane to spend just as much time with this baby as he did with Kason.  Maybe not even time, I just want to make sure they bond like Duane and Kason did.  I want their relationship to be strong, so even though I will be the one the baby relies on for food, I want to make sure to give the baby and Duane one-on-one time.  Same goes with Kason and I, like I talked about above.  I need to make sure I can spend one-on-one time with him.  I keep reminding myself that newborns sleep A LOT.  There will be lots of "down" time I can still play with Kason, just like I do now.  When the baby is older and not sleeping so much, he/she can play with us.  I can't wait for that! :)

So there you have it.  I am so, so looking forward to becoming a family of 4, but there are stresses that come along with it.  I love blogging things that I feel other mom's might be able to relate to.  I'm sure those "perfect moms" will read this and say I'm a bad mom for these thoughts..but that's ok.  I like being 100% real when I blog and not be some fake "life is always rainbows and butterflies" mom.

And just because, here are some pictures...:)